One and Only VI

She’s sitting on the bed as he holds a private, one time only, concert for her. She’s bent forward laughing at him as he sings and dances comically before her. He stops for a moment to catch his breath but does not continue on again afterwards. Captivated he loses himself in her laughter, again. He’s just staring at her as she laughs and he smiles, so thrilled to be the reason behind her happiness. She finally gets a hold of herself and her laughter starts to calm down. She sees him just staring at her and she blushes.

“You have to stop doing that” she blurts out to him.

He raises his eyebrows and innocently asks “Ang alin?”

“Yung pagtitig mo, nacoconcious ako... lalo na pag balik natin nang Pilipinas baka...”

He puts his finger on her lips and shakes his head “Diba we agreed not to worry about tomorrow? We’ll cross the bridge when we get there.”

“Pero...”

“-Ah”

“Kasi...”

“-Sarah” he says looking at her sternly

She forfeits and says to him “Fine. So ayaw mong pagusapan natin yung bukas eh yung kahapon pwede?”

He looks at her confused “Anong ibig mong sabihin”

“Yung past can we talk about the past, your past...”

He wanted to say no. Sure he had nothing to hide but he’s not proud of who he was in his past relationships he doesn’t want her to see him now as the same guy he use to be cause he has changed.

Sensing that he got the wrong impression she makes herself more clear.

“Past as in yung childhood mo. Wag kang magalala I don’t care to know about your past relationships or your ex-girlfriends. Gusto ko lang marinig yung mga kwento mo about your childhood, alam mo yung fondest memories mo. Sige na, humor me please...” she begs.

He sighs relieved and closes his eyes trying to think of what stories he can share with her. As if a light bulb just turned on in his head he quickly smirks and opens his eyes

“Ah alam ko na...”

They spent the entire night sharing stories about their childhood, sharing with each other bits and pieces of their life, learning about each others hopes and dreams.

He’s telling her a story about him in his early days in showbiz when she lets out a yawn. He pauses and looks at her afraid that he’s boring her.

“Sorry, sorry, sige lang ituloy mo yung kwento mo...”

“Na bo-bore ka na ata eh...”

“Hindi natutuwa nga ako na your finally opening up to me, ano lang medyo inaantok na ako...”

He looks over at the clock at the bedside it’s already 2 AM

“2 o’clock na pala. Hindi ko na napansin yung oras, sige next time ko na lang itutuloy yung kwento ko. Matulog na tayo”

He picks up one of the pillows and is about to get himself settled on the floor.

“Anong ginagawa mo?” she asks him

“Inaayos yung tutulugan ko”

“Bakit? Ano ka ba, dito ka na matulog sa kama, kasya naman tayo eh...”

Confused he just stares at her. She was asking him to share the same bed as her? That just didn’t seem to make any sense to him at all.

“Dito ka naman natulog kagabi ah. Wala namang mangyayari eh, matutulog lang naman tayo. Tsaka matigas yang sahig baka sumakit pa yang likod mo.”

He smiles and teases her. “Woo aminin mo na gusto mo lang akong makatabi eh ang sarap kasi nang tulog mo kagabi no?”

Defensively she answers “Ah ganun? Sige wag na lang dyan ka na matulog. Nagmamagandang loob na nga ako tapos ganyan ka pa...”

He’s holding back his smile “Eto naman nag tampo agad, niloloko lang kita...”

She doesn’t answer. He puts his pillow down beside her and lies down on his back. She has her back turned to him and her eyes closed.

“Sarah...” he says turning his head in her direction.

She doesn’t answer. He pouts and turns to his side as well, their backs facing each other.

“Goodnight” he says as he closes his eyes.

She opens her eyes and looks over her shoulder only to find his back facing her. She, just like him, pouts her lips and lays her head back down.

She can’t sleep. She’s tossing and turning but she just can’t get comfortable. He can’t sleep with her moving about every few seconds so he turns back and faces her.

“Ba’t di ka makali? Gusto mo bang sa sahig na lang ako matulog...”

She sighs and turns to face him. She shakes her head and whispers “Ikaw kasi eh ang lakas mong mang asar...”

He smiles at her amused at her childlike qualities.

“Sorry na” he says as he kisses her forhead and says goodnight again.

She lies back down onto her back and he stays on his side facing her. She can feel him staring at her.

With her eyes closed she says “Matulog ka na, bukas pag gising mo pangako walang magbabago sa itsura ko.”

He chuckles at her then lies back down onto his back.

In the morning they were lying face to face her head on his arm again and tucked just at the crook of his neck. She has her arms between their chests and he has his other arm wrapped around her. Again she wakes up first. She tries to move but he is holding her tightly so instead she just looks up at him. She smiles at the sight of him peacefully sleeping. She closes her eyes again and just enjoys this languid moment in his arms. Soon after he wakes up and loosens his grip on her. She opens her eyes again and looks back up at him. He looks down and smiles upon seeing her. He could get use to this, waking up beside her without a care in the world.

“Good morning” she mumbles covering her mouth

“Ano?” he asks her

“Sabi ko good morning” she says turning her head away.

Confused he just stares at her.

“Sandali toothbrush muna ako...” she finally says as she moves away from him.

As she is brushing her teeth he sits up cups his hand in front of his mouth and breathes out. He shakes his head and whispers to himself “Ako din, kailangan kong magtoothbrush.”

This is his last day in London with her, tomorrow morning he had to catch his flight back to Manila.

The two go out for breakfast today and just like yesterday they tour the city and just enjoy each others company. Later in the afternoon as they are sitting in the park again John Lloyd can’t help but notice how quiet Sarah had suddenly become.

He looks over at her “Okay ka lang ba? Kanina ka pa tahimik, masama ba pakiramdam mo?”

She shakes her head “Hindi naisip ko lang bukas magisa na lang akong mamasyal dito...”

He puts his arm around her and rests her head on his shoulder “I wish I could stay kaya lang hindi talaga pwede eh may mga proyekto ako na hindi na makakapagantay... tsaka mas mabuti na yung mauna ako para hindi nila matunogan na magkasama tayo ngayon.”

She knows he’s right she just wishes that this would never end. She doesn’t tell him that she’s afraid things will never be like they are now when they go back to the “real” world but she knows that she’s not suppose to be thinking about the future.

Back at the hotel they are having dinner together on the balcony. She has managed to keep a happy front the entire day, trying to enjoy every second she had left with him before he had to leave. 7 PM the clock read she only had 10 more hours with him.

They're sitting back in the room and he's making kwento about his childhood again but he notices that she's not really listening to him.

"Boring ba?" he asks her.

She looks back at him and asks "Ang alin?"

"Yung kwento ko, hindi ka nakikinig?"

"Ah, uhm, hindi kasi..." she looks down she can't event think of a proper excuse.

He moves closer to her "Anong iniisip mo?"

She sighs and says "I know we agreed not to talk about what's going to happen next but Lloydie aalis ka na in less that 10 hours... what happens to us when you leave? Anong mangyayari sa tin pag balik natin sa mundo natin? I mean what are we ba? What were these last two days? I can't help thinking about the future because I don't even know what we are now I don't know what to expect when I come home because I don't know what we are... I mean is this it, is this as far as we go...?"

He shakes his head "Of course not. Sarah, mahal kita, whether nandito tayo sa London or sa Pinas or kahit saan pa sa mundo. It doesn't matter where we are what matters is who we are and whether nandito tayo or nasa Pinas who I am and what my heart is wont change."

She wishes she could say the same but things aren't the same back home, she isn't as free as she is right now. She's afraid that their love wont survive their reality. Right now she isn't under the spotlight, there aren't a million eyes watching her every move, judging her every choice. She wants to believe that the people they both are right now is the same as the people they are under the spotlight but she knows that there are parts or her and parts of him that they didn't bring along with them here. Sure it didn't matter what part of the world they were in but it did matter whether or not they were just plain old Sarah and John Lloyd or if they were Sarah, the Popstar Princess, and John Lloyd, the Best Actor.

He wraps his arms around her and she just closes her eyes wanting so hard to believe him, to believe that nothing is going to change.

They don't sleep that night instead they sit on the balcony watching the sun set and rise again in the morning. They enjoy every second they have together before he has to leave.

It's 3 AM and he has to leave for the airport soon. She's standing there by the window as he is doing some last minute packing. She watches him, fear creeping up into her heart. She tries to calm herself as she watches him but she can't help but feel so torn watching him get ready to leave. A tear falls down her cheek but she manages to wipe it before he looks up at her.

The two head down to the lobby and call for a taxi.

At the airport she's sitting beside him waiting for him to board his plane. Both are quiet, she's rehearsing in her head all the things she wants to say to him before he leaves. She looks at her watch 4:40 AM, he'll be boarding any minute now.

"Idan..." she whispers

He looks over at her shocked, that's the first time she's called him that in a long time. She takes a deep breath.

"Ayokong umalis ka ngayon nang hindi mo nalalaman kung ano talaga yung nararamdaman ko for you. Don't get me wrong, wala pa ring nagbabago marami pa rin akong mga takot na kailangan kong harapin but I want you to know that in spite of all my fears I still choose to love you. Mahal kita, mahal na mahal and natatakot ako na baka pag balik ko sa Pilipinas I wont be strong enough to fight for this. If this was our life, if everyday would be just like the last two days hindi ako magdadalawang isip na ibigay sa yo nang buong buo yung puso ko. Pero alam naman nating pareho na ibang ibang ito sa mundo natin. With you right here I'm brave and I'm strong but I can't promise that I can be just as brave and strong back home. So I just want you to know that I do love you very much and no matter what happens I will always cherish in my heart these last 2 days."

She has tears running down her cheek. He wipes them away and says "It doesn't end here, I promise"

She hated those words - I promise but right now she just didn't have the strength to say anything more. She just sits there in his arms praying that he is right.

TBC

One and Only V

They spent the night together in the same room. She on the bed and him on the floor at the foot of the bed. Both were silent, both lost in their own thoughts.

She was turned to her side looking at the moon from the window. She knows that she promised him that she would live in the moment that she wouldn’t worry about what the future held but it was so much easier to make that promise when she was staring into his eyes. But now in this silence, in the darkness, her doubts and fears are overcoming her. Her thoughts hound her and she lies there questioning everything that is happening right now. What was this? What were they? Where does this all lead to?

“Anong iniisip mo?” he asks as he is lying on the floor staring at the ceiling.

She’s surprised that he’s still awake and that he somehow sensed her worries.

“Wala...” she answers

He sits up and looks over at her, the moon their only source of light.

“Come on, sige na, you can tell me. Gusto kong malaman kung ano yang gumugulo sa isipan mo para malaman ko kung ano ang pwede kong gawin to ease your worries.”

She smiles. She loves hearing him worry about her, she loves having someone think about her, she loves having him there. She sits up and curls up at the top of the bed.

She looks in his direction ans says “Alam kong nangako ako na hindi ko iisipin yung future, na hahayaan ko lang na mangyari ang mangyayari and that i’ll live for every day as it happens. Pero ang hirap gawin, I can’t stop thinking about tomorrow.”

“Alam ko, it’s not you, pero please just trust me. Akong bahala sa yo, just follow my lead, i’ll make sure everything will be alright.”

She smiles at him her worries somehow being put to rest.

“Thank you...” she says before she slides back down into bed.

That’s all she needed to hear she just needed to hear him say that everything was going to be alright. Soon after she falls sound asleep with a smile on her face. He, however, didn’t fall asleep right away. When he heard her softly breathing as she slept he got up and sat down at the edge of the bed. He watched her as she slept, the moon casting some light onto her face. She looked heavenly jusy lying there asleep and he felt his heart aching for her. In that moment as he watched her sleep he could see forever with her and he knew he could give it all up to have this every night of his life, to see her so peaceful and calm.

He lies down beside her watching her sleep. As it got deeper into the night his eyes started to get heavy and soon he had fallen asleep beside her without realizing it.

She was perfectly tucked at his side, her head on his arm. She had her hand on his stomach and his hand was just on top of hers. She squirmed a little bit then opened up her eyes. It was the best sleep she has had in so long, she felt so refreshed. As she is about to rub her eyes she realizes that he is fast asleep right beside her. She pulls her hand from his stomach and slowly sits up. She looks down at him fast asleep, a little smirk on his face. She closes her eyes and tries to recall how he ended up beside her but she can’t remember him crawling into bed with her.

She continues to watch him as he sleeps. The longer she watches the less she cares about how he got there in the first place. She found him so endearing while he slept, his lips partialy parted, she smiles at the sound of him softly snoring. He starts to stir and looks like he is about to wake up. Startled she quickly lies back down her back turned to him and she pretends to be asleep again. He opens his eyes and starts to stretch. His arm hits her back and he turns to face her. He sees her back and then realizes that he fell asleep watching her last night. Guilty, he peeks over her shoulder to see if she was awake. Home free – she was still fast asleep. As he is about to lie back down on his back she opens up one eye to take a peek and he catches her. She sees him still leaning over her so she opens up both eyes and softly pushes him onto his back. She sits up and faces him. He quickly sits up as well ready to defend himself against her accusations.

“Sandali bago mo isipin na pinlano ko ito o na may balak ako na...”

She puts her fingertips onto his lips and shakes her head “Good morning” she says with a smile.

She didn’t need to hear his explanation she knows he had no bad intentions and that whatever happend last night was unintentional. She chooses to just trust him. Besides how could she be angry with him, this was the first time in a long time that she slept so soundly.

He smiles, relieved that she didn’t get angry with him.

The two order room service and had breakfast on the balcony. The morning felt so fresh, the scent of last nights rain still lingering in the air.

“So what’s the plan for today?” He asks her before taking a sip of his coffee.

She looks out into the city and smiles “Wala. I don’t have a plan. Gusto ko lang mamasyal at mag libot, alam mo yung gusto ko lang gawin yung mga bagay na hindi ko pwedeng gawin sa Pinas, yung mag lakad sa kalsada na walang nakakakilala sa yo... I just want to feel free.”

She looks so joyous as she says all this and he can’t help but marvel in her beauty. She has this light that is just beaming from her, she’s just glowing with happiness. He feels so overjoyed to see her like this, to see her giddy over small and simple things. This morning she layed out before him all the reasons why he loved her, all the reasons why he was lucky to be with her. This morning she proved she was the one for him.

After breakfast they both got ready to set off on a little adventure.

Like true tourists the two walked the streets of London and took pictures at various tourist spots. Today they were so care free, they didn’t worry about who would see them together or what might be written in the tabloids tomorrow. This day belonged to them and no one else mattered.

They had lunch on the patio of a small cafe. They sat across from each other and both would look up every few seconds. Whenever they would catch each other staring they would both start to laugh. She couldn’t help herself, she just couldn’t wipe her silly smile off her face and he felt so blessed to be given this chance to make her smile again.

After lunch the two continued to roam the streets. They talked the whole way through never running out of things to talk about. After a few hours of walking around the two stop to rest on a park bench. He looks over at her as she stares into the distance and starts to speak.

“Ang sarap siguro to live like this no? To be free, hindi lang for a moment but everyday...”

He nods his head in agreement, “But would you give it all up for this? The fame and the fortune?” he asks.

“In a heartbeat. Kung yung yaman at kasikatan lang ang mawawala sa kin okay lang. Pero yung pagkakataon to make people happy, the chance to touch peoples lives with just my voice I could never give up.”

One of a kind. He looks at her astounded never has he met someone of her caliber be so simple and humble at the same time. Everybody these days wants to be famous and for all the wrong reason but her she just wants to use her God given talent to reach out and make people happy. Just as he is about to speak the rain slowly starts to pour again.

Sarah laughs puts her hands out and looks up, she loves the rain. She stands up and spins around for a bit he just sits there watching her as she moves so gracefully in the rain. He is just amazed by everything she says and does.

She stops and takes him by his hand, she flashes a big smile and says “Naalala mo pa ba to?”

Just then she starts to do the sun dance. He laughs as she dances in the rain and shortly joins her. Anybody who could see them now must think they were fools, and surely they were fools... in love. The two continue to play in the rain, like children, for a little more but as it started to pour even heavier he took her by the hand and tried to find a place to stay till the rain let out.

They end up standing closely together in a small red telephone booth watching the rain continue to pour. They’re both wet and cold, their bodies right up against each other. He is standing right in front of her their faces only inches apart. He can see her lips trembling. Without even thinking twice he wraps his arms around her hoping to keep her warm. She lays her head against his chest and holds herself close to him. Neither of them say a word, they both just stand there in their own world cherishing every second and breathing in the moment.

The rain finally let out and the two walked back to their hotel. He let her shower and change first since she was already shaking from the cold. He took off his shirt and wrapped himself up in a towel as he waited for her to be finished. She moved as quickly as she could because she was sure he was starting to get really cold and uncomfortable. He’s sitting by the window watching the rain lightly fall from the sky. He has learned to love the rain because of her. She quickly rushes out the washroom and calls for him.

“Lloydie tapos na ako.”

He turns and sees her standing by the bed in her pj’s and robe with her hair wrapped up in a towel. He stands up and picks up his clothes before rushing into the washroom to shower. As he is picking up his clothes his towel slips a little and Sarah gets a glimpse of his upper body. She quickly looks down blushing pretending she’s looking for something in her bag. Once he shuts the door she looks at the door and thinks to herself “Hm. He must be working out, hindi naman ganun yun dati...” as she remembers the scene from ‘A Very Special Love’ where she helped him change out of his shirt.

She’s sitting on the bed, her head leaning on the headboard, with a book. He stares at her from the washroom door, her hair down just framing her face. She leaves him breathless, whether she is all glammed up or all dressed down. She looks up from her book when she senses him standing there.

“Bakit?” she shyly asks.

“Wala. Iniisip ko lang how lucky I am to have this moment with you.”

She blushes as she says “Weh, ang lakas mo talagang mambola.”

The truth is he was thinking about what he wouldn’t give to have these moments with her everyday of his life. He was thinking about how lucky he would be to share his every day with her and how there is nothing he wants more than this.

TBC

One and Only IV

She was sitting in her seat on the plane just staring out the window. Billy, who was seated beside her, was fast asleep and so was everybody else. She had tried to get some rest too but the thoughts in her mind were just too loud. It felt like her heart and mind were arguing about what was right and wrong. That moment where they bumped into each other kept replaying in her mind. She sits there thinking about things she could have said, things she should have said. There was so much she wanted to say to him, so many things she kept bottled up inside of her. She wanted him to know how much it hurt her being like this with him, how afraid she was to let anyone, especially him, into her life, how much she really wanted to be with him, and how much she really did love him. All of these emotions, she just didn’t know what to do with them, she had never felt like this before and it scared her.

After the plane landed they went straight to their hotel to get settled in. This is the first time she was travelling for a show alone, the first time she was away from her family. She had asked her mom to let her go by herself so that she could just have time for herself, some time where she could, for once, put herself first.

She’s sitting down by the balcony as Christian, Billy, and the others were in the room watching T.V.. She’s looking out at the beautiful city and imaging how wonderful it must be to live somewhere in Europe. Whenever she went on tour in Europe she would always think that if she ever left showbiz and decided to settle down elsewhere it would be in Europe, somewhere like London or Milan. She thinks to herself how much more beautiful everything would be if he was there with her.

He’s sitting at home with his phone contemplating whether he should text Billy and ask him how their flight was, how she was. He’d start typing some words but then he’d erase it. He didn’t want other people to be involved, he wanted this to be between the two of them. He didn’t want to send her the wrong messages and have her question his sincerity. He was afraid that if he communicated with her through other people she wouldn’t take him seriously. But would texting her be right? After all this time is this the way he wanted to start again – with a text message? He thought to himself maybe this is the right way to start again, you know, slowly. They would start texting again, maybe get their friendship back on track and then slowly move towards talking to each other again and hopefully one day their relationship could move forward. Besides how else was he suppose to communicate with her now? She was on tour for a month and he couldn’t wait a month to talk to her again, he’s already been waiting too long. She needs to know that he’s not going anywhere that he’s determined to make his love clear to her this time.

He sends the message.

She looks at her phone and sees a new message from him. She gets excited and sits up in her chair but as she is about to open up the message she stops. She can’t do this right now, she needs time. This trip was her break, her chance to just be free, so she deletes the message and slumps back down in her seat.

He waited all day long, all week long, but nothing. At first he got worried that they didn’t have a safe trip but he texted Billy and he said they were just fine. She was ignoring his text, she didn’t want to talk to him. He felt defeated like he was fighting a losing battle.

She spent the entire week feeling guilty. Should she text him and tell him she accidently deleted his message? Should she call him? E-mail? YM? She was struggling and it was taking a toll on her.

She kept messing up at rehersals, she’d forget the words to her own songs, or miss a step during a dance prod. This wasn’t her. She sits down at the edge of the stage by herself staring blankly trying to compose herself. From behind her Christian approaches and takes a seat beside her.

“Okay ka lang? Ano bang gumgulo dyan sa isipan mo?”

Christian was someone she trusted, someone she called in the middle of the night and cried to sometimes, someone who could see when she was struggling even when she did her best to hide it.

She looks over at him leaning her cheek on her knee.

“Kuya paano mo nagawang ipagkatiwala yung puso mo ulit pagkatapos mong masaktan?’

Christian smirks and looks down for a second. He didn’t even need to ask her he knew she was struggling with her heart but he needed to hear it from her.

“You have to let go of that fear. Hindi pwedeng nabubuhay ka na may takot ka. What’s the point of living if you never take chances. “

She smiles and says “Alam ko naman yun eh pero ang hirap. Iniisip ko lagi yung sasabihin nang ibang tao, yung mararamdaman nang iba, yung mga taong masasaktan ko...”

“Alam mo yan ang problema sa yo eh, you never put yourself first. Ang laki nang puso mo, you have so much love to give, kaya ka namin mahal eh kasi we know you genuinely love us, pero you need to find room in that heart of yours for yourself.”

She sits there silently biting her lips. He puts his hand on her back and says “Follow your heart, listen to it because it knows something that logic can never explain. And if you let your mind dictate your heart you’ll never really love, and you may never know how happy you could have been. Alam kong nasaktan ka na in the past pero itanong mo nga sa sarili mo can you go on living with the question ‘what if?’ always hanging over your head? ”

She sits there still struggling. She knows he’s right and she wants to follow her heart but this is who she is, someone who worries about other people, someone who puts other people first. She bows her head down and takes a deep breath. She needed to get a grip, she needed to compose herself and get through this concert tour.

Somehow she found a way to get through her concerts. She found a way to perform like nothing was wrong and joke around playfully. But she was glad it was over.

Everyone was packing for their flight back to Manila except her. She extended for one more week and just wanted to relax a bit before heading back to her commitments in Manila.

She was sitting in her room by the window watching the raindrops fall from the sky. She loved the rain. She felt calm and at peace sitting there with only the sound of the rain in the background. Then the hotel phone rings. She looks at the phone wondering who it was, no one ever called the hotel phone. She gets up and picks up the phone.

“Miss Geronimo there’s someone waiting for you in the lobby.”

“Someone waiting for me in the lobby?” she asks herself as she puts down the phone. Billy? Christian? did they miss their flight? Who else could it be.

She heads down to the lobby and as she passes by front desk she hears someone call out her name.

She looks over to her side and sees John Lloyd soaking wet standing by the window. The two just stare at each other, time feels like it just froze. It’s like there is no one else around them. She slowly makes her way over to him. They’re inches apart now.

“Anong ginagawa mo dito?”

“Hindi mo sinagot yung text ko and I tried to wait for you to come home but I just needed to see you...”

The room feels like it’s spinning, she can feel her heart racing, her mind is running around in circles. The two are silent for a moment and just as he is about to say something she interjects.

“Uhm, basang basa ka baka magkasakit ka... halika sa taas magbihis ka muna...”

He follows her to her room. Inside she hands him a towel and he goes off into the washroom. While he’s in the washroom she goes over to the window and stands there for a bit. She’s leaning against the wall, her mind all over the place. She wasn’t expecting him, she isn’t ready for this.

He steps out of the washroom and stops when he sees her standing at the other end of the room by the window. She doesn’t look up, she’s fidgeting rocking her feet back and forth.

“Sarah...”

She looks up at him, uncertain of what to do or say. Finally she speaks up “Ahm. Kumain ka na ba? I’m sure gutom ka na...”

“Wala akong gana” he says shaking his head as he takes a seat on the bed. He bites his lips to stop them from trembling, and his hands are shaking.

There’s an awkward silence, both afraid to speak up. She gives a shaky laugh. “So, ano na? Hindi ka naman siguro nagpunta dito para magbasa lang sa ulan...”

He looks up at her now and sincerly asks her “Ba’t hindi mo sinagot yung text ko?”

She takes a deep breath bracing herself for what she knows is going to be a difficult conversation.

“Hindi ko sya binasa... I couldn’t even get myself to read it. Lloydie gusto ko, gusto kong basahin at sagutin, gusto kong kamustahin ka at tawagan pero...”

How was she suppose to explain herself to him? She didn’t know how to go on.

She scratches her head and starts to pace the floor. “Pero hindi ganun kadali ang lahat. I’m struggling with myself, with my feelings. Hindi madali para sa kin ang lahat nang ito... ang gulo, naiintindihan mo ba ako?”

Somehow he did understand.

She continues to pace the floor trying to come up with the right words to use, the right way to explain herself to him. He sees how much she is struggling. He stands up walks up to her and takes her by her shoulders. He looks at her, fear and confusion in her eyes. She is just about to say something but he puts his finger over her lips.

“Shh. Tama na. You don’t need to explain, I get it. I’m just happy to see you” He smiles and hugs her.

She feels like she is on top of the world right now. She still has so many doubts and fears but she pushes them aside for this one moment and just loses herself in his embrace.

He’s taking it all in her scent, her warmth, her struggles. He never wants to let go. He doesn’t want this moment to end. But then she lets go and slowly pushes him away.

“But this doesn’t make everything okay... I wish that it was enough to erase all my fears and inhibitions but it’s not.”

He bows his head and takes a step back “Alam ko. But it’s a start diba? I know everything wont be okay in just one night, alam ko na hindi magbabago ang lahat overnight. But I’m willing to do anything to make things right, to make this work. Sarah, mahal kita and I promise to wait for the day you’re ready to love me back.”

She smiles but then shakes her head “Wag. Don’t make me promises kasi I’ll hold it against you. Kung nandyan ka pa rin when my heart is ready to love again magpapasalamat ako pero kung wala ka na pipilitin kong intindihin yun.”

He understands where she is coming from. She was once burned by a promise and he knew that making promises wasn’t the way to her heart.

She has her head down, he puts his hand on her chin and lifts her head up “Okay. I wont make promises for the future but there is one thing I can swear to you right now, I love you, in a way I never knew existed. If you don’t want me to make promises for the future then can I ask just one thing of you”

She nods her head.

“Can we just enjoy today, and everyday we do have. Let’s live in the present not in the future let’s not worry about what this might mean for tomorrow but just live for today?”

She smiled at him and nodded. For the first time in a long time she felt at ease and safe. Being there with him at that moment made her want to believe that this was going to work, that they were finally going to work...

TBC

One and Only III

Sundays were the hardest for her because even if she avoided him she knew he was just a few feet away from her. She always had to battle her own emotions on Sundays. Part of her didn’t want to care about anybody but him. That part, her heart, wanted to just love him. But there was that part of her that just couldn’t disregard other peoples emotions. That part, her mind, kept her from him and for the most part it always won. She made an effort not to bump into him, she hid out in her dressing room when she didn’t have a performance and rushed out of the studio once the show was over.

He stayed with his girlfriend hoping that since Sarah turned him away the love he had for her would die and that he would learn to see forever with his current girlfriend. But after weeks of trying to make things right he knew he could never look at her the same way he once did, not now that he finally acknowledged his true feelings for Sarah. Not now that he knew someone else owned his heart. He did his best to break it to her gently but really there is no easy way to break somebody’s heart.

She didn’t even ask him why because somewhere in her heart she knew the answer, she knew that the love she longed to have he could never give to her. It hurt but she thanked him, she thanked him for letting her go and giving her the opportunity to find someone who would choose her, someone who wouldn’t see her as just another option. And before she walked away from him she told him to be happy, to follow his heart and fight for the one who owns his heart.

That is exactly what he wanted to do but not now. He knew it wasn’t the right time.

The break up was quiet. Both parties agreed not to talk about the cause of the break up, they only went as far as saying it was over. Sarah heard about the break up and although some would think now was the right time since there was no one standing in the way she knew in her heart it still wasn’t right. They both still had personal issues that they had to come to peace with.

She continued to avoid him and he gave her her space. Months passed and the two still have not spoken. The time he had alone made him realize that he had so many loose ends in his life that he needed to attend to. He realized he didn’t want to bring her into his life when it was this messed up. For once in his life he had the time to reflect on his past relationships and learn why it never worked with the others. He was a new man, a man ready to fight for his love, a man ready to wait until forever. This time for real.

She went on with her life, keeping herself busy with work. She still carried that heaviness in her heart and no matter how hard she tried she just couldn’t fill that void he left in her heart. Everyday she wondered if she would ever wake up without this feeling, if she’d ever get over him. She had done it in the past, she was able to bury her feelings for him in the past so why couldn’t she do it again? She knew deep inside that she couldn’t just shake this feeling off because now she knew how he felt about her. But after all this time could he still feel that way about her? Could that love survive the coldness she showed it?

She was all set to go on tour for a month with some good friends. She enjoyed doing concerts abroad because it gave her a chance to just be Sarah, not the Popstar Princess or Box Office Queen, just plain old Sarah. She loves what she does and she loves performing but sometimes it got to be a little much and these concert tours always gave her a breath of fresh air when her workload got a little toxic. She couldn’t wait to go on tour especially since she was headed to Europe and she was excited to spend one week all to herself in London before she returned home to Manila.

The last Sunday before she left for her month long tour their paths crossed again.

Most of the artists were all gathered in one dressing room talking amongst themselves before the show started. She was sitting down in the back corner of the room excitedly talking about her trip to Europe. Her friends were joking around naming things they wanted for pasalubong. She playfully joked around and laughed with them. Her excitement overcame her and she had forgotten that for last few months she had been avoiding these kinds of gatherings in fear of running into him.

He was counting on her not being there since she had been keeping herself from this kind of atmosphere so he casually walked into the room and joined his friends in conversation. He saw the Kanto Boys all gathered in one corner so he made his way over there, little did he know that in the back of that corner was the girl he has long been aching to see. Just in time he joins the circle as she is laughing. Again that laugh, that laugh that both made his heart race and break at the same time. He looked at her, she looked so happy, and in that moment he felt as though she was over him. That she was happy without him. Could it be? Did she no longer feel the way he does? Is this why she’s here now instead of hiding out in her own dressing room? Was she no longer trying to avoid him? He suddenly felt afraid. Afraid that maybe now it really was too late.

He was lost just staring at her. The laughter soon dies down and the conversation shifts. It was only now that she notices his presence there in front of her. She catches his gaze and for once her heart was winning, she just couldn’t turn away. Everybody else in the group, oblivious to the tension between the two, continue with their conversation.

Billy looks over to John Lloyd and jokingly asks “O ikaw anong gusto mong pasalubong galing Europe? Sige na wag kang mahiya, kayang kaya ni Sarah yan.”

Seriously, still looking in Sarah’s direction, he says “Ikaw...”

Sarah looks down this time to avoid his gaze her heart racing. She feels like her heart is pounding against her chest and that it would be a miracle if no one else heard it beating. He finally looks away sensing her uneasiness.

Billy being the goofy person he was joked around “Lloydie ano ba, diba we agreed to be just friends? Baka may makarinig sa yo isipin nila nag break kayo dahil sa kin...”

Everybody bursts out laughing again except Sarah. It’s ironic how Billy was spot on. John Lloyd meant her when he said ikaw and she was the cause of the break up, whether she inteneded to be or not.

“Guys lets go, magst-start na tayo.” A staff member says as the show is about to begin.

Relief that’s what Sarah is feeling right now because for a second there her heart was beating out her mind and in that second she was almost ready to choose him above anything else in her life. But when the laughter died down and his gaze shifted away from her her mind once again overcame her heart. She was still battling the demons from her past. She couldn’t give him her heart until she had come to peace with her past.

The show ended the same way it ended for the past few months. Another Sunday passed with the two of them brushing by each other like strangers. But just as she was getting ready to leave they bump right into each other in the hallway.

There he was just inches away from her, her heart pounding against her chest again. She doesn’t know what to say and he just can’t seem to find the right words to say. They stand there still for a moment just staring at each other, both longing to just hold the other in their arms. He finally starts to stutter some words.

“Uhm. So-Sorry, hindi, uhm, hindi ako tumitingin sa dinadaanan ko” he gives an awkward smile as she just continues to look at him. Shes trying to say something but she just can’t get the words out.

He finally gets a hold of himself and smiles as he says “Uh sige na, mauna na ako, have a safe trip”

And just like that he was gone. She closes her eyes thinking of how stupid she must of looked just staring at him. She turns slightly to see his back as he walks away and whispers to herself “Miss na miss na kita...”

Adele - One and Only

Muzicons.com

the song that inspired the story :)

You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
lose myself in time just thinking of your face
God only knows why it's taking me so long
to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try to forget your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

Have I been on your mind?
You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name, will I ever know
How it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me which ever road I chose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never tried to forgive your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've earned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've earned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
Come and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts.

One and Only II

She goes on as if nothing is wrong. She performs with a smile on her face and no one has even the slightest idea that something is wrong. But unlike her he is much more transparent. He tries to smile and act like nothing is wrong but he can’t overcome the emptiness he feels right now. He is an actor, a damn good one, but at this moment he just can’t channel the actor in him. He can’t pretend he isn’t hurting right now. People around him notice but he tells him he’s just tired and that he’ll be just fine.

Sure he’ll be fine, they both will, but will fine ever be enough?

He stands on the side lines as everybody is gathered on the stage for the closing spiel. From behind she hugs him and asks him if he is okay. He turns around and sees his girlfriend looking at him lovingly.

He smiles and says “Oo naman. Hinihintay lang kita, halika na.” She smiles at him and they walk onto the stage hand in hand.

She’s joking around and laughing with her friends but then she accidently looks the wrong way and sees him with her, hand in hand. The smile on her face fades as she continues to stare at the two of them together and again she feels that heaviness in her heart.

“Sars, hoy!” someone calls from behind her.

She turns back to her circle of friends “O, ano na?” she says with a smile.

“Anong nangyari sa yo?” Luis asks her. She playfully slaps his arm and smiles avoiding his question. Their playful banter continues and she makes sure not to look back at him again.

She’s laying in bed tossing and turning. She can’t get his words out of her head – Mahal din kita. She sits up in the dark and puts her hands over her face covering up the smile that she cannot contain. There is a part of her heart that is jumping for joy upon hearing him say those words but there’s also a part that is sinking knowing that this isn’t right. She sits there in the darkness wondering. What if he did leave his girlfriend? What if he choses me? What if he fights for me this time? Could this be real? She shakes her head.

“Sarah ano ba? Stop it, hindi pwede,” she whispers to herself.

This isn’t right. She knows it isn’t right and she knows that she can’t do anything about her feelings but forget them. She gets up, wraps herself up in her blanket and sits on the balcony. She looks up at the sky and looks at the stars shining in the dark night. She remembers the night when they were shooting “You Changed my Life” and she fell asleep in his arms under the star covered sky. She smiles remembering how happy and safe she felt then. But that was then and this is now, things are complicated now. She holds her legs up against her chest and says a little prayer as she continues to look up at the sky.

“Please Lord give me the strength to forget him. Please don’t let me set myself up for heartbreak all over again. Alam ko na hindi tama tong nararamdaman ko, alam kong may masasaktan kaya please help me forget him. Let my heart forget dahil mas gugustonhin ko nang ako yung masaktan kesa may masaktan dahil sa kin.” she says out loud with tears falling from her eyes.

The next morning she wakes up on the balcony. She feels so disheartened, her entire body feeling drained. The sun is shining but she just doesn’t care for it. There is a knock at her door.

“Anak gising ka na? May pictorial ka ngayon bumangon ka na’t maligo.” Her mom says from the other side of the door.

“Gising na po. Labas na din ako mayamaya” she answers. She sits for awhile longer and then forces herself up. She looks at herself in the mirror and gives herself a little pep talk.

“Okay Sarah kaya mo to. Focus ka lang. Diba nangako ka sa sarili mo na proprotektahan mo yang puso mo, this isn’t the right time for all of this. Give your heart a break, you’re not ready to hurt all over again...” She gives a weak smile because in her head she’s thinking that her heart is already breaking and no matter how hard she tries to protect it she can’t escape her feelings.

He’s sitting in the backseat of his car staring at his phone, wanting so bad to call her. Like her he was tossing and turning all night. He was confused, he didn’t know what to make of his feelings, what to do with them. He cared for his girlfriend, he loved her. She has been so good to him, she has accepted both the good and the bad and she has loved him despite his short comings. Did he really want to start over with Sarah, did he want to risk having her see the real him and realize that he isn’t the man she fell in love with. What if she can’t accept his imperfections? What if he doesn’t live up to her expectations? He didn’t want to hurt her, he didn’t want anyone to ever hurt her again not after seeing her hurt before. But despite his doubts and fears, deep inside, he wanted her. He wanted to be hers and only hers. He is about to make the call but just as he is about to push the call button he decides against it and puts his phone down.

Maybe now isn’t the right time. Maybe they both need time to reassess their feelings, time to make sure that what they’re feeling is real because he didn’t want to hurt her... ever.

The week passed and they both found ways to fight against their feelings but neither knew how to go about their feelings once they came face to face again.

It’s Sunday again. She takes a deep breath as she is about to step out of her van bracing herself for what she knows is inevitable – the sight of him with her.

She’s lucky enough not to bump into them as she walked to her dressing room but as she expected there they were sitting side by side on stage conversing with the others. She looks around and sees her co-champions sitting in the audience area talking amongst themselves and gives a sigh of relief upon finding an escape. Just as she is walking across centre stage she hears someone calling for her.

“Sasa!”

She looks over and sees Gerald waving at her. She gives him a smile and waves as she pauses in centre stage. He walks up to her and the two start to talk. Ever since their movie together Gerald has put such an effort into trying to keep their friendship alive because he enjoys having her in his life. She brought this lightness that he could not explain. The two always had such playful conversations filled with laughter.

That laugh. That contagious laugh that could light up even the darkest of places. He hears her laugh and looks up. He sees her standing with him her hand on his arm. His mind drifts away from the conversation he was having and just focuses on her...with him. He can’t explain what he’s feeling. He wants so much to get up and pull her away from him. He wants to be the cause of her happiness, he wants to be the reason she’s smiling and laughing. He wants to be the one laughing with her.

He sits there wondering. What is he to her? Why is he always talking with her? Why were they always together? Did he have other motives? As he sits there staring at them the two start to walk away moving towards another group of artists sitting on the opposite side of the stage. As they fade into the dark corner he snaps out of it and tries to catch up with the conversation in front of him. This Sunday passed just like the last, without the two of them saying a word to each other.

This is the way the next few Sundays were, they both acted like they were strangers.

After a couple Sundays he got tired of acting this way. He had had enough. This wasn’t working for him, he knew deep in his heart that he wanted her and that he had to have her. But how?

She’s sitting in her dressing room alone listening to her study tapes. She has her eyes closed. He sees her so peaceful and calm. He can’t control his feet he walks in and takes the seat beside her. She feels this presence beside her and she opens her eyes. She sees him sitting there his head down looking at his hands, which he is tightly wringing. Shocked she slowly pulls out her earphones and just sits there silently looking at him. He finally looks up at her and sees the confusion she has on her face. He sits there for awhile trying to find the right words.

“I’m sorry.” He finally says.

She’s even more confused now. “For what?”

“Para sa lahat. Sa lahat nang sakit na naramdaman mo, sa lahat nang luhang iniyak mo, sa bawat araw na naging malungkot ka.”

She looks at him not understanding where he was coming from. “Wala ka namang kasalanan ah. It wasn’t your fault. Hindi ikaw ang nanakit sa kin...”

“But I was one of them diba? I played a part?”

She looks down, all the pain coming back to her. “Bakit mo ba binabalikan yun, ba’t ka nandito ngayon?”

“Because I want everything to be right this time. Gusto ko ihingi nang tawad yung mga naging mali ko, yung mga naging mali nang ibang tao sa yo. I want you to learn to open your heart again and love. Sana you can see that I will do everything to make sure you never get hurt again.”

She looks up at him and sees him pleading with her to let herself fall in love again. She wants to pull him close to her and tell him that she wants to be with him, that she wants to love him but she cant.

“Kayo pa rin diba?” she says sadness evident in her voice.

He closes his eyes and nods his head. “Humanap lang ako nang paraan, tumi tiempo pa ako. Pero I want you to know na ikaw yung pinipili ko.”

Her heart is racing. Part of her is screaming “Yes” but there is a part of her that is holding back.

“Wag. Mahal ka nya at kaya ka nyang ipaglaban. Wag mong sayangin kung ano man ang meron kayo. Naniniwala ako na pag kinalimutan mo ako magiging masaya ka rin with her.”

He sits there staring at her, frustrated. Why was she pushing him away? He chose her, he was ready to fight for her but she turned him away.

She wanted him. She wanted to be his but she couldn’t promise to be everything he needed. She couldn’t give her last relationship her everything, she fell short in so many ways and she didn’t want to do that to him. She didn’t want him to leave his current relationship for someone who couldn’t promise to give him all that he would need. Her heart just wasn’t ready. This just wasn’t the right time.

He’s so frustrated. Why would she tell him that she cares about him, that she can’t be friends because she wants more? Why would she do that then turn him away. He wants to let out his frustrations but he knows this isn’t the place to do so. He gets up and starts to walk away. He pauses at the doorway and stares at her sitting there her head down. He shakes his head in frustration then storms out the dressing room.

Once she is sure he isn’t in the room anymore she looks up at herself in the mirror, tears running down her cheek. She was scared. She was scared to give her heart away again, to put down her guard. Even if she wanted to be with him there was too much working against them.

TBC

One and Only

There she was standing on stage curlers and all waiting for rehersals to start.

He was sitting down in the audience area just looking her way without a care in the world on who could see him staring.

From behind her he appears and taps her shoulder. She turns around only to find her leading man standing behind her all smiles. Her face lights up and she gives him a hug.

From his seat his heart suddenly sinks. He has long waited to see that smile of hers again but to see her smiling because of someone else made his heart ache. He watched Sarah as she shares a playful conversation with Gerald and he can’t help think that that should be him laughing with her.

“Lloydie...” someone says from his side. He looks up to see his girlfriend standing next to him. And just like that he had to snap back to reality.

This was the reality of things: he was committed to someone else but there was a special place in his heart for her. There was something about her that he just could not shake off. He felt guilty everytime he would catch himself thinking about her but he couldn’t help himself, he couldn’t stop his heart from feeling what it felt.

He looks up to his girlfriend and smiles. She takes a seat beside him.

“Anong iniisip mo parang ang lungkot nang mga mata mo?” she asks.

He smiles looks down at his hands then back at her “Wala. Pagod lang”

She smiles with uncertainty. She can feel something is wrong but she knows that no matter how much she prys he wont give. She loved him but she wished that he would open up to her more, that he would let her into the depths of who he was. Upon seeing this defeated expression on her face he takes her hand and stands up.

“Halika na doon, nagkakasiyahan na sila dun”

A small of group of them were standing together on stage candidly having a conversation. She is standing beside Gerald laughing as she slapped his shoulder playfully. He has this pained expression on his face as they walk up to them thinking that she use to be like that with him but as they get closer he paints a smile on his face.

“Ang saya nyo naman.” he says happily as he hold his girlfriends hand tighter.

Sarah, who is standing across from him, looks down at their hands and then back up. That awkwardness she felt made her feel uncomfortable. She didn’t understand why she was feeling the way she was. Her heart felt heavy and it felt like it had suddenly become gloomy all around her. He is looking at her and she catches him. He smiles, she looks down and then interupts the conversation.

“Uh. Mauna na ako sa dressing room, uhm... kailangan ko nang tanggalin yung curlers ko.” she smiles at everyone and starts to walk away. Gerald excuses himself from the conversation and quickly chases after her.

“Sasa samahan na kita.”

She turns and sees him right behind her “Oh ba’t ka umalis? Kaya ko yung sarili ko, sa dressing room lang naman ako pupunta.”

“I know pero kasi, parang biglang nagbago yung mood mo... may problema ba?”

She smiles and says “Wala, ikaw naman masyado kang paranoid.”

The two walk off together resuming their playful conversation.

His eyes followed her as she disappeared into the backstage. Again he felt that ache in his heart as he sees her with him. He tries very hard to keep upbeat but this heaviness he feels is too much to try and cover up. He excuses himself from the conversation claiming he is going to try and take a short nap before the show starts.

He watched her perform from the sidelines. It was as if there was no one else around. He felt like he was in a different world where nothing else mattered but her. He was mesmerized. If at all possible she was even more amazing now than she was before. The way she took the stage and owned it, the way she moved her body and played with her voice. He was lost in her performance and at that moment he fell a little harder for her. At the end of her performance she flashes that signature smile of hers and bows.

Everyone is gathered on stage for the closing spiel. Like a child she is laughing and joking around with some friends as he walks up stage to join them. He smiles upon hearing her laugh. He walks up beside her joining their conversation. She looks over to her side at the same time he looks over at her. The two stare for awhile both smiling but then she suddenly looks away and resumes her playful banter with her friends. It’s like he isn’t even there. She doesn’t look his way again. He would say something, everyone would laugh but she would just give a little smile. It pained him to see that she doesn’t laugh at his jokes anymore and that she seems to be pushing him away.

The whole week he was bothered by the fact things have changed between the two of them. All week he anxiously waited for it to be Sunday so that he could get the chance to see her again. Finally the day came. He arrived at the studio early hoping to get a chance to talk one on one with her, hopefully he can find a way to save their friendship. As he walked through the hallway he takes a peak inside her dressing room but there is no one there. He stands there for a while trying to figure out how this is all going to work out. Then from behind him someone approaches.

“Excuse me” she says as she pulls her earphones out of her ears.

He turns around and sees her standing there no make up, a plain white shirt and jeans. She looked stunning and he was suddenly at a loss for words. She repeats her self with a smile on her face. He snaps back to reality and moves out of her way. She flashes him a smile and says thank you.

Suddenly he remembers what he was doing there in the first place.

“Sarah pwede ba tayong mag usap”

Sarah looks at him confused “Tungkol saan?”

“Uhm may kailangan lang akong sabihin sa yo.”

“Okay” she says waiting for him to go ahead.

He looks around at the people in the room with her and says “Pwede yung tayong dalawa lang...”

Sarah looks at the other people in the room and says “Saan?”

His face lights up and he takes her hand. He takes her to the rooftop where the two of them can have a private conversation.

The two stand there silently for a while, his back turned away from her. She stands there awkwardly behind him waiting for him to say what he has to. Then he finally speaks up.

“Sarah kasi...” he says as he turns to face her “napansin ko lang na iniiwasan mo ako.”

The mood feels tense and uncomfortable. In her head she’s trying to figure out what to say, something witty, something that could lighten the mood but she couldn’t. In her head she was trying to find ways to get through this conversation without putting her real feelings out there.

“May nangyari ba na hindi ko alam? May nagawa ba ako? I mean nakakalungkot isipin na uuwi sa ganito yung friendship natin...”

She finally speaks up “Matagal na tayong ganito, Lloydie ngayon mo lang naramadaman? Ngayon mo lang narealize na hindi na tayo gaya nang dati?” she says a little frustrated.

“Pero bakit?” he asks quickly.

That question – why? She didn’t know why. She has been asking herself the same thing for years. Why?

Why did she feel the way she did? Why couldn’t she be herself around him?

Why couldn’t he love her the way she knew she loved him...?

He’s staring at her waiting for an answer but she has none. She sees him staring at her intently and she turns away.

“Lloydie kung ito lang yung rason kung bakit mo ako dinala dito at kung ito lang yung kailangan mong sabihin then mas mabuti bumababa na lang tayo kasi wala namang mangyayari sa usapang ito eh. Hindi ko alam yung sagot sa tanong mo basta ang alam ko hindi na natin maibabalik yung dati nating pagkakaibigan...”

It pains him to hear her say this. It hurts learning that she didn’t even care to save their friendship.

“So ganun na lang? Kakalimutan natin na naging magkaibigan tayo once upon a time? We’re just going to pretend that we don’t care about each other?”

Frustrated she turns around and for the first time admits what she is really feeling.

“Yun na nga eh I care, I care too damn much. Hindi ko kayang makipagkaibigan sa yo kasi masakit. Masakit ang tanggapin na that’s all we’ll ever be.”

She said it. For the first time she let her true emotions out. She is shocked by what she just said. She doesn’t know what came over her, what made her tell him the truth. She feels scared and relieved all at the same time. It feels like this heaviness she has been carrying inside her heart was just lifted.

He is shocked. He can’t believe what he is hearing. He takes a step forward towards her.

“Mahal mo ako?”

She looks at him confusion, pain, and frustration written all over her face. She didn’t want to use the word love, she didn’t want to say she loved him because she knew he couldn’t say it back and that word carried so much weight for her. She was silent. She didn’t know what else to say.

As if he just realized what his heart has been telling him for so long he says “Mahal din kita” without even thinking.

It felt time had just stopped, like there was nothing else in the world but the two of them. He starts to walk closer to her but she stops him.

“Wag. May girlfriend ka.” She says with tears in her eyes.

He stops and in his head he is thinking damn reality.

She stands there in front of him silently. She wants so much to hear him say that he would make this work. That he would leave his girlfriend and fix their relationship. But she couldn’t ask that of him. She couldn’t let him hurt her just because of her, she couldn’t let herself be the cause of someone elses pain. Once upon a time she was the girl on the other end of the stick and she knew what it felt like to be her. She would not allow him to hurt her the way she was once hurt.

She looks at him and says “Huli na ang lahat para sa ting dalawa. Kalimutan mo na lang yung mga nasabi ko. Let’s just forget we ever existed, even as friends, and go on with our lives. Mas madali kung kalimutan na lang natin ang isa’t isa.”

She walks away. Her feet feel so heavy. What she really wants is to run back to him and be in his arms but she knows that that would be wrong. It’s taking everything inside of her to keep her tears back and to keep herself from turning back...

TBC