One and Only II

She goes on as if nothing is wrong. She performs with a smile on her face and no one has even the slightest idea that something is wrong. But unlike her he is much more transparent. He tries to smile and act like nothing is wrong but he can’t overcome the emptiness he feels right now. He is an actor, a damn good one, but at this moment he just can’t channel the actor in him. He can’t pretend he isn’t hurting right now. People around him notice but he tells him he’s just tired and that he’ll be just fine.

Sure he’ll be fine, they both will, but will fine ever be enough?

He stands on the side lines as everybody is gathered on the stage for the closing spiel. From behind she hugs him and asks him if he is okay. He turns around and sees his girlfriend looking at him lovingly.

He smiles and says “Oo naman. Hinihintay lang kita, halika na.” She smiles at him and they walk onto the stage hand in hand.

She’s joking around and laughing with her friends but then she accidently looks the wrong way and sees him with her, hand in hand. The smile on her face fades as she continues to stare at the two of them together and again she feels that heaviness in her heart.

“Sars, hoy!” someone calls from behind her.

She turns back to her circle of friends “O, ano na?” she says with a smile.

“Anong nangyari sa yo?” Luis asks her. She playfully slaps his arm and smiles avoiding his question. Their playful banter continues and she makes sure not to look back at him again.

She’s laying in bed tossing and turning. She can’t get his words out of her head – Mahal din kita. She sits up in the dark and puts her hands over her face covering up the smile that she cannot contain. There is a part of her heart that is jumping for joy upon hearing him say those words but there’s also a part that is sinking knowing that this isn’t right. She sits there in the darkness wondering. What if he did leave his girlfriend? What if he choses me? What if he fights for me this time? Could this be real? She shakes her head.

“Sarah ano ba? Stop it, hindi pwede,” she whispers to herself.

This isn’t right. She knows it isn’t right and she knows that she can’t do anything about her feelings but forget them. She gets up, wraps herself up in her blanket and sits on the balcony. She looks up at the sky and looks at the stars shining in the dark night. She remembers the night when they were shooting “You Changed my Life” and she fell asleep in his arms under the star covered sky. She smiles remembering how happy and safe she felt then. But that was then and this is now, things are complicated now. She holds her legs up against her chest and says a little prayer as she continues to look up at the sky.

“Please Lord give me the strength to forget him. Please don’t let me set myself up for heartbreak all over again. Alam ko na hindi tama tong nararamdaman ko, alam kong may masasaktan kaya please help me forget him. Let my heart forget dahil mas gugustonhin ko nang ako yung masaktan kesa may masaktan dahil sa kin.” she says out loud with tears falling from her eyes.

The next morning she wakes up on the balcony. She feels so disheartened, her entire body feeling drained. The sun is shining but she just doesn’t care for it. There is a knock at her door.

“Anak gising ka na? May pictorial ka ngayon bumangon ka na’t maligo.” Her mom says from the other side of the door.

“Gising na po. Labas na din ako mayamaya” she answers. She sits for awhile longer and then forces herself up. She looks at herself in the mirror and gives herself a little pep talk.

“Okay Sarah kaya mo to. Focus ka lang. Diba nangako ka sa sarili mo na proprotektahan mo yang puso mo, this isn’t the right time for all of this. Give your heart a break, you’re not ready to hurt all over again...” She gives a weak smile because in her head she’s thinking that her heart is already breaking and no matter how hard she tries to protect it she can’t escape her feelings.

He’s sitting in the backseat of his car staring at his phone, wanting so bad to call her. Like her he was tossing and turning all night. He was confused, he didn’t know what to make of his feelings, what to do with them. He cared for his girlfriend, he loved her. She has been so good to him, she has accepted both the good and the bad and she has loved him despite his short comings. Did he really want to start over with Sarah, did he want to risk having her see the real him and realize that he isn’t the man she fell in love with. What if she can’t accept his imperfections? What if he doesn’t live up to her expectations? He didn’t want to hurt her, he didn’t want anyone to ever hurt her again not after seeing her hurt before. But despite his doubts and fears, deep inside, he wanted her. He wanted to be hers and only hers. He is about to make the call but just as he is about to push the call button he decides against it and puts his phone down.

Maybe now isn’t the right time. Maybe they both need time to reassess their feelings, time to make sure that what they’re feeling is real because he didn’t want to hurt her... ever.

The week passed and they both found ways to fight against their feelings but neither knew how to go about their feelings once they came face to face again.

It’s Sunday again. She takes a deep breath as she is about to step out of her van bracing herself for what she knows is inevitable – the sight of him with her.

She’s lucky enough not to bump into them as she walked to her dressing room but as she expected there they were sitting side by side on stage conversing with the others. She looks around and sees her co-champions sitting in the audience area talking amongst themselves and gives a sigh of relief upon finding an escape. Just as she is walking across centre stage she hears someone calling for her.

“Sasa!”

She looks over and sees Gerald waving at her. She gives him a smile and waves as she pauses in centre stage. He walks up to her and the two start to talk. Ever since their movie together Gerald has put such an effort into trying to keep their friendship alive because he enjoys having her in his life. She brought this lightness that he could not explain. The two always had such playful conversations filled with laughter.

That laugh. That contagious laugh that could light up even the darkest of places. He hears her laugh and looks up. He sees her standing with him her hand on his arm. His mind drifts away from the conversation he was having and just focuses on her...with him. He can’t explain what he’s feeling. He wants so much to get up and pull her away from him. He wants to be the cause of her happiness, he wants to be the reason she’s smiling and laughing. He wants to be the one laughing with her.

He sits there wondering. What is he to her? Why is he always talking with her? Why were they always together? Did he have other motives? As he sits there staring at them the two start to walk away moving towards another group of artists sitting on the opposite side of the stage. As they fade into the dark corner he snaps out of it and tries to catch up with the conversation in front of him. This Sunday passed just like the last, without the two of them saying a word to each other.

This is the way the next few Sundays were, they both acted like they were strangers.

After a couple Sundays he got tired of acting this way. He had had enough. This wasn’t working for him, he knew deep in his heart that he wanted her and that he had to have her. But how?

She’s sitting in her dressing room alone listening to her study tapes. She has her eyes closed. He sees her so peaceful and calm. He can’t control his feet he walks in and takes the seat beside her. She feels this presence beside her and she opens her eyes. She sees him sitting there his head down looking at his hands, which he is tightly wringing. Shocked she slowly pulls out her earphones and just sits there silently looking at him. He finally looks up at her and sees the confusion she has on her face. He sits there for awhile trying to find the right words.

“I’m sorry.” He finally says.

She’s even more confused now. “For what?”

“Para sa lahat. Sa lahat nang sakit na naramdaman mo, sa lahat nang luhang iniyak mo, sa bawat araw na naging malungkot ka.”

She looks at him not understanding where he was coming from. “Wala ka namang kasalanan ah. It wasn’t your fault. Hindi ikaw ang nanakit sa kin...”

“But I was one of them diba? I played a part?”

She looks down, all the pain coming back to her. “Bakit mo ba binabalikan yun, ba’t ka nandito ngayon?”

“Because I want everything to be right this time. Gusto ko ihingi nang tawad yung mga naging mali ko, yung mga naging mali nang ibang tao sa yo. I want you to learn to open your heart again and love. Sana you can see that I will do everything to make sure you never get hurt again.”

She looks up at him and sees him pleading with her to let herself fall in love again. She wants to pull him close to her and tell him that she wants to be with him, that she wants to love him but she cant.

“Kayo pa rin diba?” she says sadness evident in her voice.

He closes his eyes and nods his head. “Humanap lang ako nang paraan, tumi tiempo pa ako. Pero I want you to know na ikaw yung pinipili ko.”

Her heart is racing. Part of her is screaming “Yes” but there is a part of her that is holding back.

“Wag. Mahal ka nya at kaya ka nyang ipaglaban. Wag mong sayangin kung ano man ang meron kayo. Naniniwala ako na pag kinalimutan mo ako magiging masaya ka rin with her.”

He sits there staring at her, frustrated. Why was she pushing him away? He chose her, he was ready to fight for her but she turned him away.

She wanted him. She wanted to be his but she couldn’t promise to be everything he needed. She couldn’t give her last relationship her everything, she fell short in so many ways and she didn’t want to do that to him. She didn’t want him to leave his current relationship for someone who couldn’t promise to give him all that he would need. Her heart just wasn’t ready. This just wasn’t the right time.

He’s so frustrated. Why would she tell him that she cares about him, that she can’t be friends because she wants more? Why would she do that then turn him away. He wants to let out his frustrations but he knows this isn’t the place to do so. He gets up and starts to walk away. He pauses at the doorway and stares at her sitting there her head down. He shakes his head in frustration then storms out the dressing room.

Once she is sure he isn’t in the room anymore she looks up at herself in the mirror, tears running down her cheek. She was scared. She was scared to give her heart away again, to put down her guard. Even if she wanted to be with him there was too much working against them.

TBC