One and Only IV

She was sitting in her seat on the plane just staring out the window. Billy, who was seated beside her, was fast asleep and so was everybody else. She had tried to get some rest too but the thoughts in her mind were just too loud. It felt like her heart and mind were arguing about what was right and wrong. That moment where they bumped into each other kept replaying in her mind. She sits there thinking about things she could have said, things she should have said. There was so much she wanted to say to him, so many things she kept bottled up inside of her. She wanted him to know how much it hurt her being like this with him, how afraid she was to let anyone, especially him, into her life, how much she really wanted to be with him, and how much she really did love him. All of these emotions, she just didn’t know what to do with them, she had never felt like this before and it scared her.

After the plane landed they went straight to their hotel to get settled in. This is the first time she was travelling for a show alone, the first time she was away from her family. She had asked her mom to let her go by herself so that she could just have time for herself, some time where she could, for once, put herself first.

She’s sitting down by the balcony as Christian, Billy, and the others were in the room watching T.V.. She’s looking out at the beautiful city and imaging how wonderful it must be to live somewhere in Europe. Whenever she went on tour in Europe she would always think that if she ever left showbiz and decided to settle down elsewhere it would be in Europe, somewhere like London or Milan. She thinks to herself how much more beautiful everything would be if he was there with her.

He’s sitting at home with his phone contemplating whether he should text Billy and ask him how their flight was, how she was. He’d start typing some words but then he’d erase it. He didn’t want other people to be involved, he wanted this to be between the two of them. He didn’t want to send her the wrong messages and have her question his sincerity. He was afraid that if he communicated with her through other people she wouldn’t take him seriously. But would texting her be right? After all this time is this the way he wanted to start again – with a text message? He thought to himself maybe this is the right way to start again, you know, slowly. They would start texting again, maybe get their friendship back on track and then slowly move towards talking to each other again and hopefully one day their relationship could move forward. Besides how else was he suppose to communicate with her now? She was on tour for a month and he couldn’t wait a month to talk to her again, he’s already been waiting too long. She needs to know that he’s not going anywhere that he’s determined to make his love clear to her this time.

He sends the message.

She looks at her phone and sees a new message from him. She gets excited and sits up in her chair but as she is about to open up the message she stops. She can’t do this right now, she needs time. This trip was her break, her chance to just be free, so she deletes the message and slumps back down in her seat.

He waited all day long, all week long, but nothing. At first he got worried that they didn’t have a safe trip but he texted Billy and he said they were just fine. She was ignoring his text, she didn’t want to talk to him. He felt defeated like he was fighting a losing battle.

She spent the entire week feeling guilty. Should she text him and tell him she accidently deleted his message? Should she call him? E-mail? YM? She was struggling and it was taking a toll on her.

She kept messing up at rehersals, she’d forget the words to her own songs, or miss a step during a dance prod. This wasn’t her. She sits down at the edge of the stage by herself staring blankly trying to compose herself. From behind her Christian approaches and takes a seat beside her.

“Okay ka lang? Ano bang gumgulo dyan sa isipan mo?”

Christian was someone she trusted, someone she called in the middle of the night and cried to sometimes, someone who could see when she was struggling even when she did her best to hide it.

She looks over at him leaning her cheek on her knee.

“Kuya paano mo nagawang ipagkatiwala yung puso mo ulit pagkatapos mong masaktan?’

Christian smirks and looks down for a second. He didn’t even need to ask her he knew she was struggling with her heart but he needed to hear it from her.

“You have to let go of that fear. Hindi pwedeng nabubuhay ka na may takot ka. What’s the point of living if you never take chances. “

She smiles and says “Alam ko naman yun eh pero ang hirap. Iniisip ko lagi yung sasabihin nang ibang tao, yung mararamdaman nang iba, yung mga taong masasaktan ko...”

“Alam mo yan ang problema sa yo eh, you never put yourself first. Ang laki nang puso mo, you have so much love to give, kaya ka namin mahal eh kasi we know you genuinely love us, pero you need to find room in that heart of yours for yourself.”

She sits there silently biting her lips. He puts his hand on her back and says “Follow your heart, listen to it because it knows something that logic can never explain. And if you let your mind dictate your heart you’ll never really love, and you may never know how happy you could have been. Alam kong nasaktan ka na in the past pero itanong mo nga sa sarili mo can you go on living with the question ‘what if?’ always hanging over your head? ”

She sits there still struggling. She knows he’s right and she wants to follow her heart but this is who she is, someone who worries about other people, someone who puts other people first. She bows her head down and takes a deep breath. She needed to get a grip, she needed to compose herself and get through this concert tour.

Somehow she found a way to get through her concerts. She found a way to perform like nothing was wrong and joke around playfully. But she was glad it was over.

Everyone was packing for their flight back to Manila except her. She extended for one more week and just wanted to relax a bit before heading back to her commitments in Manila.

She was sitting in her room by the window watching the raindrops fall from the sky. She loved the rain. She felt calm and at peace sitting there with only the sound of the rain in the background. Then the hotel phone rings. She looks at the phone wondering who it was, no one ever called the hotel phone. She gets up and picks up the phone.

“Miss Geronimo there’s someone waiting for you in the lobby.”

“Someone waiting for me in the lobby?” she asks herself as she puts down the phone. Billy? Christian? did they miss their flight? Who else could it be.

She heads down to the lobby and as she passes by front desk she hears someone call out her name.

She looks over to her side and sees John Lloyd soaking wet standing by the window. The two just stare at each other, time feels like it just froze. It’s like there is no one else around them. She slowly makes her way over to him. They’re inches apart now.

“Anong ginagawa mo dito?”

“Hindi mo sinagot yung text ko and I tried to wait for you to come home but I just needed to see you...”

The room feels like it’s spinning, she can feel her heart racing, her mind is running around in circles. The two are silent for a moment and just as he is about to say something she interjects.

“Uhm, basang basa ka baka magkasakit ka... halika sa taas magbihis ka muna...”

He follows her to her room. Inside she hands him a towel and he goes off into the washroom. While he’s in the washroom she goes over to the window and stands there for a bit. She’s leaning against the wall, her mind all over the place. She wasn’t expecting him, she isn’t ready for this.

He steps out of the washroom and stops when he sees her standing at the other end of the room by the window. She doesn’t look up, she’s fidgeting rocking her feet back and forth.

“Sarah...”

She looks up at him, uncertain of what to do or say. Finally she speaks up “Ahm. Kumain ka na ba? I’m sure gutom ka na...”

“Wala akong gana” he says shaking his head as he takes a seat on the bed. He bites his lips to stop them from trembling, and his hands are shaking.

There’s an awkward silence, both afraid to speak up. She gives a shaky laugh. “So, ano na? Hindi ka naman siguro nagpunta dito para magbasa lang sa ulan...”

He looks up at her now and sincerly asks her “Ba’t hindi mo sinagot yung text ko?”

She takes a deep breath bracing herself for what she knows is going to be a difficult conversation.

“Hindi ko sya binasa... I couldn’t even get myself to read it. Lloydie gusto ko, gusto kong basahin at sagutin, gusto kong kamustahin ka at tawagan pero...”

How was she suppose to explain herself to him? She didn’t know how to go on.

She scratches her head and starts to pace the floor. “Pero hindi ganun kadali ang lahat. I’m struggling with myself, with my feelings. Hindi madali para sa kin ang lahat nang ito... ang gulo, naiintindihan mo ba ako?”

Somehow he did understand.

She continues to pace the floor trying to come up with the right words to use, the right way to explain herself to him. He sees how much she is struggling. He stands up walks up to her and takes her by her shoulders. He looks at her, fear and confusion in her eyes. She is just about to say something but he puts his finger over her lips.

“Shh. Tama na. You don’t need to explain, I get it. I’m just happy to see you” He smiles and hugs her.

She feels like she is on top of the world right now. She still has so many doubts and fears but she pushes them aside for this one moment and just loses herself in his embrace.

He’s taking it all in her scent, her warmth, her struggles. He never wants to let go. He doesn’t want this moment to end. But then she lets go and slowly pushes him away.

“But this doesn’t make everything okay... I wish that it was enough to erase all my fears and inhibitions but it’s not.”

He bows his head and takes a step back “Alam ko. But it’s a start diba? I know everything wont be okay in just one night, alam ko na hindi magbabago ang lahat overnight. But I’m willing to do anything to make things right, to make this work. Sarah, mahal kita and I promise to wait for the day you’re ready to love me back.”

She smiles but then shakes her head “Wag. Don’t make me promises kasi I’ll hold it against you. Kung nandyan ka pa rin when my heart is ready to love again magpapasalamat ako pero kung wala ka na pipilitin kong intindihin yun.”

He understands where she is coming from. She was once burned by a promise and he knew that making promises wasn’t the way to her heart.

She has her head down, he puts his hand on her chin and lifts her head up “Okay. I wont make promises for the future but there is one thing I can swear to you right now, I love you, in a way I never knew existed. If you don’t want me to make promises for the future then can I ask just one thing of you”

She nods her head.

“Can we just enjoy today, and everyday we do have. Let’s live in the present not in the future let’s not worry about what this might mean for tomorrow but just live for today?”

She smiled at him and nodded. For the first time in a long time she felt at ease and safe. Being there with him at that moment made her want to believe that this was going to work, that they were finally going to work...

TBC