One and Only

There she was standing on stage curlers and all waiting for rehersals to start.

He was sitting down in the audience area just looking her way without a care in the world on who could see him staring.

From behind her he appears and taps her shoulder. She turns around only to find her leading man standing behind her all smiles. Her face lights up and she gives him a hug.

From his seat his heart suddenly sinks. He has long waited to see that smile of hers again but to see her smiling because of someone else made his heart ache. He watched Sarah as she shares a playful conversation with Gerald and he can’t help think that that should be him laughing with her.

“Lloydie...” someone says from his side. He looks up to see his girlfriend standing next to him. And just like that he had to snap back to reality.

This was the reality of things: he was committed to someone else but there was a special place in his heart for her. There was something about her that he just could not shake off. He felt guilty everytime he would catch himself thinking about her but he couldn’t help himself, he couldn’t stop his heart from feeling what it felt.

He looks up to his girlfriend and smiles. She takes a seat beside him.

“Anong iniisip mo parang ang lungkot nang mga mata mo?” she asks.

He smiles looks down at his hands then back at her “Wala. Pagod lang”

She smiles with uncertainty. She can feel something is wrong but she knows that no matter how much she prys he wont give. She loved him but she wished that he would open up to her more, that he would let her into the depths of who he was. Upon seeing this defeated expression on her face he takes her hand and stands up.

“Halika na doon, nagkakasiyahan na sila dun”

A small of group of them were standing together on stage candidly having a conversation. She is standing beside Gerald laughing as she slapped his shoulder playfully. He has this pained expression on his face as they walk up to them thinking that she use to be like that with him but as they get closer he paints a smile on his face.

“Ang saya nyo naman.” he says happily as he hold his girlfriends hand tighter.

Sarah, who is standing across from him, looks down at their hands and then back up. That awkwardness she felt made her feel uncomfortable. She didn’t understand why she was feeling the way she was. Her heart felt heavy and it felt like it had suddenly become gloomy all around her. He is looking at her and she catches him. He smiles, she looks down and then interupts the conversation.

“Uh. Mauna na ako sa dressing room, uhm... kailangan ko nang tanggalin yung curlers ko.” she smiles at everyone and starts to walk away. Gerald excuses himself from the conversation and quickly chases after her.

“Sasa samahan na kita.”

She turns and sees him right behind her “Oh ba’t ka umalis? Kaya ko yung sarili ko, sa dressing room lang naman ako pupunta.”

“I know pero kasi, parang biglang nagbago yung mood mo... may problema ba?”

She smiles and says “Wala, ikaw naman masyado kang paranoid.”

The two walk off together resuming their playful conversation.

His eyes followed her as she disappeared into the backstage. Again he felt that ache in his heart as he sees her with him. He tries very hard to keep upbeat but this heaviness he feels is too much to try and cover up. He excuses himself from the conversation claiming he is going to try and take a short nap before the show starts.

He watched her perform from the sidelines. It was as if there was no one else around. He felt like he was in a different world where nothing else mattered but her. He was mesmerized. If at all possible she was even more amazing now than she was before. The way she took the stage and owned it, the way she moved her body and played with her voice. He was lost in her performance and at that moment he fell a little harder for her. At the end of her performance she flashes that signature smile of hers and bows.

Everyone is gathered on stage for the closing spiel. Like a child she is laughing and joking around with some friends as he walks up stage to join them. He smiles upon hearing her laugh. He walks up beside her joining their conversation. She looks over to her side at the same time he looks over at her. The two stare for awhile both smiling but then she suddenly looks away and resumes her playful banter with her friends. It’s like he isn’t even there. She doesn’t look his way again. He would say something, everyone would laugh but she would just give a little smile. It pained him to see that she doesn’t laugh at his jokes anymore and that she seems to be pushing him away.

The whole week he was bothered by the fact things have changed between the two of them. All week he anxiously waited for it to be Sunday so that he could get the chance to see her again. Finally the day came. He arrived at the studio early hoping to get a chance to talk one on one with her, hopefully he can find a way to save their friendship. As he walked through the hallway he takes a peak inside her dressing room but there is no one there. He stands there for a while trying to figure out how this is all going to work out. Then from behind him someone approaches.

“Excuse me” she says as she pulls her earphones out of her ears.

He turns around and sees her standing there no make up, a plain white shirt and jeans. She looked stunning and he was suddenly at a loss for words. She repeats her self with a smile on her face. He snaps back to reality and moves out of her way. She flashes him a smile and says thank you.

Suddenly he remembers what he was doing there in the first place.

“Sarah pwede ba tayong mag usap”

Sarah looks at him confused “Tungkol saan?”

“Uhm may kailangan lang akong sabihin sa yo.”

“Okay” she says waiting for him to go ahead.

He looks around at the people in the room with her and says “Pwede yung tayong dalawa lang...”

Sarah looks at the other people in the room and says “Saan?”

His face lights up and he takes her hand. He takes her to the rooftop where the two of them can have a private conversation.

The two stand there silently for a while, his back turned away from her. She stands there awkwardly behind him waiting for him to say what he has to. Then he finally speaks up.

“Sarah kasi...” he says as he turns to face her “napansin ko lang na iniiwasan mo ako.”

The mood feels tense and uncomfortable. In her head she’s trying to figure out what to say, something witty, something that could lighten the mood but she couldn’t. In her head she was trying to find ways to get through this conversation without putting her real feelings out there.

“May nangyari ba na hindi ko alam? May nagawa ba ako? I mean nakakalungkot isipin na uuwi sa ganito yung friendship natin...”

She finally speaks up “Matagal na tayong ganito, Lloydie ngayon mo lang naramadaman? Ngayon mo lang narealize na hindi na tayo gaya nang dati?” she says a little frustrated.

“Pero bakit?” he asks quickly.

That question – why? She didn’t know why. She has been asking herself the same thing for years. Why?

Why did she feel the way she did? Why couldn’t she be herself around him?

Why couldn’t he love her the way she knew she loved him...?

He’s staring at her waiting for an answer but she has none. She sees him staring at her intently and she turns away.

“Lloydie kung ito lang yung rason kung bakit mo ako dinala dito at kung ito lang yung kailangan mong sabihin then mas mabuti bumababa na lang tayo kasi wala namang mangyayari sa usapang ito eh. Hindi ko alam yung sagot sa tanong mo basta ang alam ko hindi na natin maibabalik yung dati nating pagkakaibigan...”

It pains him to hear her say this. It hurts learning that she didn’t even care to save their friendship.

“So ganun na lang? Kakalimutan natin na naging magkaibigan tayo once upon a time? We’re just going to pretend that we don’t care about each other?”

Frustrated she turns around and for the first time admits what she is really feeling.

“Yun na nga eh I care, I care too damn much. Hindi ko kayang makipagkaibigan sa yo kasi masakit. Masakit ang tanggapin na that’s all we’ll ever be.”

She said it. For the first time she let her true emotions out. She is shocked by what she just said. She doesn’t know what came over her, what made her tell him the truth. She feels scared and relieved all at the same time. It feels like this heaviness she has been carrying inside her heart was just lifted.

He is shocked. He can’t believe what he is hearing. He takes a step forward towards her.

“Mahal mo ako?”

She looks at him confusion, pain, and frustration written all over her face. She didn’t want to use the word love, she didn’t want to say she loved him because she knew he couldn’t say it back and that word carried so much weight for her. She was silent. She didn’t know what else to say.

As if he just realized what his heart has been telling him for so long he says “Mahal din kita” without even thinking.

It felt time had just stopped, like there was nothing else in the world but the two of them. He starts to walk closer to her but she stops him.

“Wag. May girlfriend ka.” She says with tears in her eyes.

He stops and in his head he is thinking damn reality.

She stands there in front of him silently. She wants so much to hear him say that he would make this work. That he would leave his girlfriend and fix their relationship. But she couldn’t ask that of him. She couldn’t let him hurt her just because of her, she couldn’t let herself be the cause of someone elses pain. Once upon a time she was the girl on the other end of the stick and she knew what it felt like to be her. She would not allow him to hurt her the way she was once hurt.

She looks at him and says “Huli na ang lahat para sa ting dalawa. Kalimutan mo na lang yung mga nasabi ko. Let’s just forget we ever existed, even as friends, and go on with our lives. Mas madali kung kalimutan na lang natin ang isa’t isa.”

She walks away. Her feet feel so heavy. What she really wants is to run back to him and be in his arms but she knows that that would be wrong. It’s taking everything inside of her to keep her tears back and to keep herself from turning back...

TBC