Where Do Broken Hearts Go VI

He has his head down thinking hard about what he was doing. She still has her eyes closed and tears are running down her cheek. The room is completely silent, the both of them afraid to say a single word. She sees his head bowed down before her when she opens her eyes and she briskly wipes the tears from her cheek. She’s breathing heavily in between her sobbing and she is trying hard not to cry but her tears are uncontrollable just like her emotions. He hears her sobbing to herself and finally looks up at her. He catches her gaze and too starts to cry, all of his bottled up emotions just exploding.

“I’m sorry” he uttered softly. He couldn’t find the right words to say and all he could find the strength to say at the moment was “I’m sorry”. He wanted to tell her that he loved her and that she was the most important thing to him right now but he knew it would only make matters worse because he was afraid of what can of worms those words could unleash. He acted compulsively and now he wonders if kissing her was the right thing to do – if he was ready to take responsibility for his actions. He doesn’t know where they go from here, what they were to do next, he knew he loved her but would that be enough to make it right this time around.

She was trembling, her entire body just in complete shock. She didn’t know what this kiss meant to him, if it meant as much to him as it did to her. But when she heard him say “I’m sorry”, those words just piercing right through her heart, she felt like her whole world just fell apart. Here she was ready to bare her heart to him and yet here he was acting like this was some nasty game.

She looks at him with scorn and sarcastically starts to laugh in between her sobs. Forcing a smile she says “I’m sorry? Yun lang? Pagkatapos nang lahat I’m sorry lang ang sasabihin mo?” She’s sobbing uncontrollably now and she wipes her tears furiously, frustrated with herself and her inability to control her emotions. She wanted so much to hear him say “I love you” even if it was wrong for him to love her now. She wanted him to tell her that she was as important to him as he was to her. She wanted to know that somewhere in this big mess was something right, that somehow all the guilt and pain she was feeling would be somewhat validated.

“Anong gusto mong sabihin ko?” he asks turning away from her, ashamed that he was too much of a coward to be honest with her.

She shakes her head as she continues to laugh at herself “Ang laki kong tanga. Alam mo ba yun? Pagkatapos kong magpaloko at masaktan, pagkatapos kong mabigo sa pagibig finally may nakilala akong tao na mahal ako nang buong buo at faithful sa kin... I have a perfectly great man in my life but here I am...” she pauses, choking on her words. She wipes her tears from her face again and softly says “eto ako, falling in love with someone else.”

She buries her face in her hands and continues to sob in frustration. He has his head bowed down unable to look at her. His heart was breaking for her and for himself. Nothing he said could pacify her and he knew that. He struggled to say anything; he struggled to even look at her at the moment. He felt guilty about doing this to her, about hurting her when that was that last thing he would ever want to do. She looks back up at his head bowed down and in between her sobs she helplessly says “What’s wrong with me? Bakit ba sa twing pinapapasok kita sa buhay ko...lagi na lang nahihirapan ang puso ko?”

She stands up and walks away from him. It took everything in her to muster up the strength to get up; she felt so weak, like all of her energy was sucked right out of her. She needed space from him, she needed air but there was no way out of the room. She stands by the window farthest from him and hugs herself tightly trying her very best to stop her tears.

He’s still kneeling down on the floor, his head still bowed down and tears still running down his cheek. There was nothing left to say or do but to be honest and true to himself. She laid it all out there, she was honest with herself and now it was time for him to be honest too. He slowly starts to sit up and with his back facing her he softly whispers “Mahal kita...”

She hears his soft whisper and turns her head slightly towards him her emotions going out of control again. She slowly sits down on the floor, her knees suddenly feeling weak, and just stares at his back silently. This is what she had been waiting for but for reasons she could not understand there was still heaviness in her heart. She never understood why when it came to him it was so hard to be free, why it was so hard to just trust her heart with him.

The last time he ever truly loved someone he ended up hurt. Everybody seemed to think it was always him at fault when a relationship failed and no one ever seemed to see his pain. Ever since then he has been careful not to get hurt like that again by jumping from one meaningless relationship to another. But here he was falling in love with Sarah, even deeper than he had ever loved before and he was afraid of the kind of pain that could come of this. Yet, he couldn’t fight this feeling anymore. He turns around and faces her; they both have tears running down their cheeks and with desperation he says “I love you” again, louder this time.

She closes her eyes and subtly nods her head; now she was at a loss for words. He moves closer to her and sits beside her. They stare at each other silently; pain, love, and longing in their eyes. He wipes away her tears and then pulls her into an embrace. She wraps her arms around him tightly, pouring out all the pain and love she felt. He has his head buried in her neck, still sobbing, and she is resting her head on his shoulder. Neither of them said another word, they just sat there in each other’s arms and set free all of their bottled up emotions.

No words needed to be spoken to understand how much they loved each other but it just wasn’t that easy. They both understood that love wasn’t enough and that there was so much more they needed to invest in the relationship if they wanted it to work. There were so many questions left unanswered, so many issues that still needed to be settled, and hearts that inevitably needed to be broken before they could move forward. He needed to know in his heart that he would never hurt her because he never wanted to be the cause of her pain. That’s why he ran away from her in the past (unknown to him is that fact that losing him in the first place caused the worse pain she had ever felt to date.) – he knew then that he wasn't the kind of man who could give her the kind of love she needed. But, after all this time, he wasn't the same guy he was before. Slowly he became the kind of man who could give her all she ever dreamed of. She, on the other hand, needed to find it in her to risk it all, to put her heart on the line. She knew that if she gave her heart to him he would have the power to make all her dreams come true or to break her heart in a way no one else could. She had been hurt in the past and she knew that if things didn’t work with him it would be 100 times more painful because she loved him all the more. She needed to learn to trust him and to let go of all of her fears, she needed to learn to just love him and not think of anything else. They both needed to trust in the love that they had for each other; they needed to trust that this is the last time either of them would fall in love.

He is her greatest love and she is his; the question now is whether or not they were ready to fight for this love...

TBC