Where Do Broken Hearts Go VIII

Earlier that day

Sarah was walking the hallways, with her phone in hand, when she bumped into someone. To her surprise it was his girlfriend, correction ex girlfriend, but she didn’t know that yet. She awkwardly smiled at her and noticed her puffy and tired eyes. Suddenly she started to feel worried, remembering John Lloyd say that he would take care of everything yesterday. "Did he end it already?" she thought to herself as she blankly stared back at her. There was an awkward silence between the two of them. She didn’t know what had happened thus she didn’t know what to say or do. Sarah secretly prayed that someone would show up or that someone would call – anything to give her a reason to excuse herself. The silence was then broken when his ex girlfriend spoke up.

“Masaya ka na ba?” she asked, her voice shaky, doing her best to contain her tears.

Sarah looks down unable to look at her cry. She felt guilty about doing this to her, about the pain the other was feeling. She didn’t know what to say, she didn’t even know how to answer her question. Was she happy? Truthfully – no, this isn’t the way things were suppose to turn out she never wanted to hurt anyone.

“Okay na kami eh. Hindi mo na dapat ginulo yung buhay namin. You had your chance pero pinakawalan mo sya bakit ba kung kelan may iba na tsaka ka babalik? Mahal na mahal ko sya...” she said softly but the anger was evident in her voice. With her last word she wiped her tears and coldly glared at Sarah before walking past her, making sure to bump her shoulder against hers.

As his ex girlfriend passed by her tears started to run down her cheek and her mind was filled with worrying thoughts.

******

He slowly walks over to her, fear creeping in, but before he could come close she put her hand up signalling him to stop and she looks up. She doesn’t turn to face him she just stares at herself in the mirror.

“Hindi ko ata kaya...” she utters with tears uncontrollably escaping her eyes.

He starts to feel weak in the knees but he manages to keep himself up hoping this isn’t what it sounded like. He stares at her silently, his eyes turning misty.

“Akala ko kaya ko nang ipaglaban yung pagmamahalan natin pero hindi ko ata kaya...” she’s breathing heavily in between her sobbing.

He takes a couple more steps towards her and falls to his knees at her side. He takes her face in his hands and turns it to face him. His hands are trembling; he didn’t know what changed, what caused her to suddenly give up.

“Anong nangyari?” he slowly says, trying his best to keep his cool even if inside he was falling apart.

She takes his hands from her face and holds them in her hands. “Tama sya. Masaya na kayo, hindi ko na dapat ginulo pa yung buhay ninyo...”

Realizing that she had spoken with his ex girlfriend he takes her hands and kisses them before he speaks up.

“Kahit hindi ka dumating, kahit hindi ka bumalik sa hiwalayan din mapupunta ang lahat kasi hindi ko sya mahal. Ikaw ang mahal ko.”

He’s hoping this was enough to ease all her inhibitions. He couldn’t lose her, not now, not ever but it felt like she was pulling away from him again.

She lets go of his hands and with all her strength she looks him straight in the eyes and says “Paano mo masisiguro na hindi ka magiging masaya sa piling nya kung hindi ako bumalik? Lloydie kahit papaano minahal mo sya at malaki ang chance na sya yung makakasama mo habang buhay kung hindi ko ginulo ang lahat. Kung hindi ako bumalik hindi mo naman marerealize na ako yung mahal mo...Mahal na mahal kita Lloydie pero paano ako magiging masaya knowing na inagaw kita sa iba. Ang hirap maging malaya para mahalin ka kung sa twing magkakasama tayo parang ang bigat nang dinadala ko. Para bang kahit gustohin nang puso ko may nagsasabi na mali, na hindi tayo ang dapat... Kahit malaya na tayo para maging masaya pakiramdam ko parang laging may nakahadlang at kahit anong gawin natin di na mawawala yun..."

Her lips are trembling as she says this and it takes everything in her to stand up and walk away from him. She was too afraid to fight for him. In her mind she was imagining what the headlines would say, what people would be saying about her, about their love and she just couldn’t face all of that. She chose to keep the memory of their love safely preserved in her heart and imagination rather than destroy it by pursuing a future together. She thought that ending this madness was what was best for them. Things were never easy for the two of them and maybe that was a sign that they were never meant to be. She wished she was strong enough to fight for their love but every time they tried to take a step forward something always came along and tore them apart. She couldn’t continue to do this; she couldn’t continue feeling guilty about loving him and the only way she could free herself from this guilt was to just walk away.

Once she started walking away she didn’t stop. She walked quickly through the hallways looking at nobody. Voices are calling out for her but she doesn’t turn back instead she speeds up her pace and wipes the tears from her face.

She got into the first taxi she saw and directed the driver to drive her home. Once home she asked the driver to wait outside for her while she grabbed some of her things. No one was home when she arrived which allowed her a fast exit. She grabbed her passport and some essentials before rushing back out to the taxi.

At the airport she took the first flight out of the Philippines headed towards the States. She didn’t know where she was going or what she was going to do all she knew was she needed to be away from her world, from the world that had him etched into her life. On the plane she leans her head back and stares out the window, tears still escaping from her eyes.

****

Movie production stopped and where Sarah disappeared to was a mystery to everyone. She sent a lengthy email to her sister explaining why she had to leave and why no one was to know of where she was. The mad world of showbiz had engulfed her entire being for the past 10 years and she had to escape. She didn’t know herself anymore; she didn’t know the sad eyes that stared back at her when she looked in the mirror and she didn’t know how she got this way.

Once upon a time it was all about one dream – to give her family a good life. But after all these years love, heartbreak and fame all got to be a little too much to handle. This isn’t the world she had envisioned, not the life she dreamed up. She had always wanted to sing and perform for many but she never asked for the baggage that came with fame. It had all happened too fast and now she didn’t know if she wanted any part of it anymore. It was no longer just about the right love at the wrong time, it was about the person she had become and whether or not she was happy with whom that was.

But beneath it all, even if she may not have known the eyes that stared back at her, one truth remained – she loved him more than she could ever put into words. Her love for him was the one thing she was surest of; the one truth in the midst of a life of pretending, she just didn't know how to fight for this love. All she really wanted was to love him, without the lights or the cameras, without an entire country watching and magnifying every single detail about their love. She knew she could lose him forever by running away once again but she knew deep inside she had to do this for herself. She needed to take herself out of the limelight to figure out what she really wanted, what she was willing to sacrifice in order to be happy again.

Once upon a time her happiness lied in that dream, the dream to perform for many, but now it no longer brought her happiness it only brought her pain, it only tore her away from the one thing she wanted, the one thing that made her happy - him. Maybe under different circumstances she could achieve that happiness with him but for as long as she was who she was and he was him their love could never survive.

She had so many unanswered questions that she needed to sort through and the only way she knew how to do so was to remove herself from the world that had complicated her life.

Was she ever going to go back? Was she going to choose her career and the mess that came with it or was she going to give it all up to take a chance with him? Would he still be there for her if she chose him?

Uncertainty was all she had. And all by herself in a world so different from the one she had become accustomed to she started her journey to rediscovering herself.

TBC