I just wanna start again
And maybe you could show me how to try
Maybe you could take me in
Somewhere underneath your skin
What do you say to takin' chances?
What do you say to jumpin' off the edge?
Never knowin' if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold or hell to pay
What do you say? What do you say?
****
She rests her cheek on the palm of her hand as she pushes her food back and forth on her plate and he muses about the newest investor that he was doing business with. As she sits there in this posh restaurant uninterested in his “thrilling” news she starts to wonder.
When did things get so boring between the two of us? When did I stop caring?
She would look up at him every now and then so that he wouldn’t figure out that she wasn’t paying any attention to him. However, this time, when she looked at him she didn’t look back down at her food right away instead she continued to watch him as he gleefully kept talking. As she continued to stare at him she realized she wasn’t just bored nor did she not care, it was something more. She then starts to wonder, when did I fall out of love with him?
****
*flashback*
She’s sitting by the poolside, a pile of books and papers lying before her on the table. Every summer break she would always come back home to relax and take a break from her strenuous schedule at school. But, every year, that vacation she hoped for never came about because every trip home was more like a business trip.
She was intelligent like her father, a well renowned business man all over Asia, and elegant like her mother, a well loved former beauty queen. Ever since she was a child she had all eyes on her and she did not disappoint. From elementary all the way to high school she was a much celebrated and well awarded student. Upon graduating high school she went on to study abroad at a prestigious university and once she was finished with that she was expected to take over her family’s company.
Every trip back home her father would greet her with several piles of reports and proposals that he wanted her to study. Although she had not graduated yet she was already a huge part of this company. Her father looked to her for big business decisions and he valued her input in everything that involved the company. As early as now her father was very vocal about his hopes that, under her leadership, their company would be recognized beyond Asia.
She takes a break from the reports she is reading and looks over at the pool. The sun is scorching and a swim sounded just perfect to her. But, being the determined and focused person that she was she sighed and looked back at her workload.
No time for breaks.
Late into the afternoon she’s starting to doze off her eyes starting to get heavy. And as she slowly starts to lay her head down on the report lying in front of her she feels a soft kiss on her cheek. Her eyes quickly fly open and she looks up at the man standing behind her.
“Babe!” she says as she gets up and turns to face him.
He pulls her close to him and hugs her tightly as he says “I missed you.”
She’s laughing as he carries her and spins her around. She pleads with him to put her down because they’re going to fall into the pool. He puts her down and brushes her hair away from her face and just as he is about to kiss her a voice calls out for them from the balcony.
“Samuel,” he father calls out loud.
Sarah buries her face at the crook of his neck as she sighs and laughs and he looks up at the balcony to wave at her father.
“Good afternoon, tito.”
Sarah pinches his side as he carries out a conversation with her father. Getting impatient and bored Sarah interrupts “Pa, mamaya na kayo magusap ni Sam labas muna kami.”
“Natapos mo na ba yung pinapabasa ko sa yo?” he asks sternly.
“Pa, malapit na. Promise by tomorrow tapos ko na to. Sige na please ngayon lang ulit kami nagkita...” she pleads like a little girl to her father.
She was daddy’s little girl and he could not resist. “Samuel, magiingat sa pagdrive at alagaan mo nang mabuti yang anak ko.”
“I’ll protect her like the princess that she is,” he answers with a smile.
She quickly takes his hand and leads him out the gate.
The two headed out to their favourite restaurant and had a romantic dinner under the stars. After dinner they headed back to her place and sat by the poolside. They dipped their feet in the water and relaxed. She swings her feet in the water, looking at the moons refelction.
“Penny for your thoughts” Sam asks as he intently watches her.
She smiles faintly before looking up at him “What I wouldn’t give to be able to spend every day with you. Sobra kitang na miss and I can’t help but think that in less than 2 months aalis nanaman ako...”
He puts his arm around her and she leans her head onto his shoulder.
“I know it’s hard but we’re making it work naman diba? Isipin mo na lang na in a year graduate ka na... matutupad na lahat nang pangarap mo para sa sarili mo.”
“Alam mo naman na hindi naman ito yung pangarap ko eh, pangarap to ni Papa para sa kin...”
In an attempt to comfort her he rubs her arm and asks “Eh ano ba yung pangarap mo?”
Sarah closes her eyes and softly says “Ang bumuo nang isang masayang pamilya kasama ka...”
Sarah keeps her eyes closed dreaming up the perfect life and he just stares at her as her smile grows.
“Ilan ang anak natin?” he asks knowing that she’s thinking about that right now.
“Apat. Our eldest a boy, then twins – a boy and a girl, and lastly a cute little girl who has your dimples” she answers dreamily.
He chuckles softly at her. “Simulan na natin” he playfully says.
She laughs at his remark and then answers “Pakasalan mo muna ako.”
They both start to laugh and he starts to tickle her which causes her to slip into the pool. As she falls into the water she grabs hold of his arm and pulls him in with her.
Laughing they wipe away the water from their faces and he brushes her hair away from her face.
Staring at her lovingly he says “You know I’d marry you right this very moment, right?”
She smiles as she wraps her arms around him and nods her head “I know and when the time is right I will marry you and then all of my dreams will come true.”
He cups her face in his hand and leans in for a kiss.
He was her everything, he was everything she ever wanted.
****
She built her dreams with this man and she once loved him with all of her. So, when did it happen and why? When did she stop loving him?
Interrupting her thoughts he asks her “Sarah, okay ka lang? Is it the food?”
Looking somewhat surprised she replies “No, no, the foods fine. Pagod lang ako.”
“You want me to drive you home na?” he asks as he reaches for her hand.
“That would be great...”
****
She stares out the window the whole drive home, thinking to herself.
Tired - that was exactly how she felt. She was so sick and tired of her life. Everything became too familiar, with Sam especially. “I love yous” were like casual hellos, dates started feeling like boring business meetings and naturally somewhere along the way the flame blew out, at least for her it did.
She looks over at him in the driver’s seat and then back out into the dark sky. She use to enjoying going cruising with him, just enjoying his company. She use to get chills just hearing his voice and feeling his touch but now she felt nothing for him. Their relationship lost its excitement and thrill, it started to get predictable and she didn’t know how to get out of it.
He was her childhood sweetheart. She built all her dreams with him; she’s shared her innermost thoughts with him, her most intimate feelings. How could she just throw that all away?
She tossed and turned all night. She couldn’t throw away all the years they had together and she wonders if there was any way to get back to the way they use to be. She stares out into the dark sky and thinks to herself.
Maybe love is overrated. That takes-your-breath-away-butterflies-in-the-stomach kind of love, maybe it only existed in movies. Maybe we aren’t like we use to be but that doesn’t mean love no longer existed between the two of us. Maybe we’ve just grown up and now it took more than “kilig” to make this relationship work. He was the right one for her.
She slept that night with an unsettling feeling. She had made up her mind. She wasn’t going to leave him; she couldn’t imagine throwing everything they shared out the window. She choose to believe that she still loved him, somewhere deep in her heart. They just needed to rekindle the flame.
****
It was their anniversary and to celebrate she surprised him with, what she hoped would be a romantic getaway, for the two of them. They drove off to her family’s rest house in the province and arrived late in the evening. He got the fireplace started while she prepared dinner. She wished on every star in the sky that this would be enough to rejuvenate their troubled relationship.
After dinner they sat by the fireplace, winding down with a glass of wine. He goes on, like usual, talking about anything under the sun and she pretends to listen. Then suddenly out of the blue she cuts him off.
“Masaya ka pa ba?” she asks him curiously as she stares at the fireplace.
He looks at her worriedly “Oo naman. Sarah, is there something wrong?”
She finally looks up at him and faintly smiles at him “Wala, natanong ko lang,” she pauses for a second looking back at the fireplace and then sets her glass down on the table “inaantok na ako, akyat na ako sa taas.”
She stands up and kisses him goodnight before heading up the stairs.
Sarah was quiet for the rest of the weekend which really got Sam worried. She seemed really disconnected the drive back to the city. She stared out the window and he would occasionally glance at her. Something was bothering her and he knew it he just didn’t know what it was. A bit along the way he takes her hand from her lap and kisses it. She looks over at him and smiles gently before bowing her head down. The whole drive back he held her hand in his, little did he know that that was all he had left of her because her heart and her entire being no longer belonged to him.
She kept her distance for the week making up excuses about being busy at work whenever he would call. But, the truth is she was trying to think of ways to save this relationship, to make things work because she couldn’t picture breaking his heart. Unknown to her he, too, was getting tired – tired of her excuses.
One night she comes home from work and sees him sitting by the poolside his head bowed down. She takes a deep breath and paints a smile on her face before approaching him. She puts her hand on his shoulder and says “Kanina ka pa ba?”
He looks up at her and faintly smiles back at her “Hindi naman...”
Seeing the expression on his face Sarah takes the seat beside him and asks “May problema ba?” as if she didn’t already know.
“You tell me. Buong linggo you’ve been giving me excuse after excuse. Sarah, what’s wrong ba?”
Sarah bows her head down trying to come up with the right words.
Sam just stares at her waiting for her reply.
Finally she looks back at him with her tired eyes “Hindi mo ba nararamdaman? We’re not like we use to be, something’s changed...”
Sam closes his eyes briefly then looks at her with affection as he takes her hands “I know things didn’t turn out the way we once dreamed it would but I still love you all the same. Alam kong madami tayong pangarap dati na hindi pa natutupad but we still have so much time for that. Babe, walang nagbago I still want to spend the rest of my life with you, na delay lang nang konti...”
He thought that all she needed was to be reminded of how much he loved her and how he still stood by the dreams they built together. What he didn’t know was he had lost her somewhere along the way and if not for all the years she was afraid to throw away she would have walked away from him already. She stayed by him, mind and body, but her heart was far from him.
She smiles briefly before kissing him goodnight.
That night she went to bed thinking how lucky she was to be loved by someone like him. She convinced herself that that was enough reason to stay. It doesn’t get any better than him, she thinks to herself.
****
He’s having the time of his life mixing drinks and serving them up to happy customers. He puts on a show from behind the counters, dancing to the music as he mixes drinks for awaiting customers. He greeted everyone with a smile and treated everyone like a friend. As he tosses the shaker behind his back and catches it a good friend of his takes a seat at the bar.
“You, my friend, are living the life.”
John Lloyd laughs as he pours the drink and hands it over to the customer. “So what can I get for you Mr. Manzano” he asks wiping down the counter real quick.
“I’ll pass I have a business meeting tomorrow.”
“Oh c’mon man, live a little, it’s on the house.” He answers as he starts to pour the alcoholic beverage.
“No really I shouldn’t drink but tomorrow, I’ll take you up on that offer.”
“No way, tomorrow you, my friend, are gonna have to be a paying customer like everybody else” he slides the cup right in front of Luis but Luis shakes his head, rejecting the drink.
John Lloyd shrugs his shoulder before taking the cup and chugging it himself.
John Lloyd loved his life. He lounged around on the beach and chatted up tourist and beachgoers. At night he made a living by serving up drinks and partying at his bar. He was care-free and had such a passion for life. He moved away from the city when his parents divorced and opened up his own bar at the beach. He saw how his parents’ lives were so wrapped up in their jobs, and how it tore their family apart. He didn’t want that so he moved away from the city and started on his own. He ran a successful business and lived a simple happy-go-lucky life.
****
She had a business trip abroad that was expected to last up to two months so before she left he made an attempt to rekindle their romance. He took her to their favourite restaurant for dinner and took her up to the place they use to go to all the time. They’re sitting on the hood of his car staring out at the city, like they use to.
“I missed this. Do you remember when we first came up here, when we first fantasized about our future together? A home in the province, somewhere, with a big yard so that our kids could run around and play freely. Remember?” he asks looking back at her.
She half smiles at him “Pero parang ang layo na nung pangarap na yun...”
She rocks back and forth a little and looks down at her feet.
He sighs and stands up straight “We can still have all of that and more...”
She nods her head slightly.
“Let’s go. I still have something to show you before we go to the airport.”
She stands up and walks over to the passenger sight, hardly excited by his surprise.
He stops in front of an empty lot at a private subdivision.
“Ano to?” she asks looking out the window.
He fidgets in his seat reaching for something in his pocket. “I know this isn’t what we dreamed about but we need to be practical, this is close to our work and it’s a big enough lot to build a humble home with a big yard...”
She cuts him off “Sam, what’s your point?”
He takes a deep breath as he presents her with a little blue box “Will you make me the luckiest man alive? Sarah, will you marry me?”
He has a huge grin on his face, expecting this to be the greatest moment in their life. She’s looking down at the ring, unable to move, she looks back at him with tears in her eyes.
She starts to stutter “I’m, uhm, I’m...” she takes a deep breath and roughly wipes her tears “I can’t.”
The smile on his face changes so quickly. He looks at her with devastation, tears starting to pool in his own eyes, not making a single move.
Following her heart she grabs her bag and storms out of the car and starts walking away.
****
She never went on her business trip. At a time like this business was the last thing she wanted to deal with. There was only one place in the world she wanted to be – the beach. Every year she would tell her father that she would be arriving a week after she actually left America because she would always make a stop at the beach before coming home. The beach was her safe place; it was where she felt free to be whoever she wanted to be. And at a time like this to be alone was all she really wanted.
****
It’s another beautiful sunny morning and the crowds have already come out to enjoy the summer heat on the beach. He stands on the porch of his home, overlooking the beach, coffee in hand. His bar doesn’t open til mid afternoon and he’s wondering what to do today. The view from his porch looked like a painting that someone dreamed up which inspired him to do some picture taking today. HE heads back inside his home and takes a quick shower before heading out to the beach.
She’s sitting in the sand by the shoreline feeling the waves as they wash over her feet. She breathes in the cool crisp air and tries to clear her mind. She leans back a little, the wind blowing her hair, and feels the warmth of the sun on her skin. This was the place where she felt most at home.
He stands under a palm tree, camera in hand, ready to take a shot of a boat sailing in the water. Just as he is about to take the picture a hat comes flying his way and lands just over his camera. He puts his camera down and lifts the hat as he searches around him for the owner. To his left he sees a woman, clad in a white sun dress, running towards him with her sandals in hand. The wind is blowing her hair about and she stumbles slightly struggling to keep her balance in the sand.
She stops right in front of him and trying to catch her breath she grabs hold of her hair with her free hand and sweeps it to one side.
“Thank you” she finally utters with a smile as she reaches for her hat.
He is at a loss for words he just stares at her mesmerizing smile. She uncomfortably smiles at him once more before saying thank you and walking away.
She already had her back turned when he snapped out of his daze and said “You’re welcome” out loud, just a moment too late.
Hearing him she turns around and flashes another smile at him. Without him realizing it he too starts to smile as he watches her gracefully walk along the shoreline.
She stops for a moment bending down to help a little girl with the straps of her sandals. This gave him enough time to grab his camera and take a quick shot of her. He looks down at the screen of his camera and smiles wondering who this wonderful mystery woman was.
TBC
