Where Do Broken Hearts Go IX

With the help of friends she had made throughout the years when she went on concert tours she was able to settle into a new “normal” life. She moved into an apartment in a quiet community, one that wasn’t popular with the Filipino community. A friend of hers helped her land a job doing inventory during the evenings at a small boutique and she even enrolled at the local university looking to take up a business major. With the new life she was embarking on she took on a new look as well. She changed up her hair, donned eyeglasses, and even switched up the way she dressed. She knew a new haircut and eyeglasses wouldn’t be enough to make herself unrecognizable to anyone who had TFC thus she really needed to make an effort in keeping a low profile. She opted to spend most of her days off at home with a book or a good movie rather than go around town because she feared someone would discover her and take away the peace she was now starting to enjoy. This life was very different from the one she ran from but for reasons she couldn’t really understand she felt more like herself in this world. She finally had what her heart truly wanted – a life of independence and simplicity.

She filled every second of her day with distractions making sure to live her life the way she wanted. She also did this so that she wouldn’t get even the slightest chance to think of him. She needed to start with herself, take it one step at a time, and then she could go on to dealing with her situation with him. It wasn’t an easy feat for the first few months she had to make a conscious effort not to think of him.

For an entire year she lived in total abandonment of the life she had left behind. The only connection she had to that life was her family and even that was not a strong bond. She sent them emails every few months just to let them know she was just fine. Her friends continued to email her hoping she would respond but she did everything she could to resist reconnecting with them just yet. However after a year of complete independence she finally felt strong enough to open her doors to selected pieces of her past. She sent an email to all her close friends that simply said this:

Hi. I know it’s been a long while & I understand if you are upset with me but I pray that you all understand that I needed to do this. I hope you all know me well enough to know these 3 simple facts:

1. I’m sorry for leaving without notice and completely distancing myself for such a long period of time.

2. I miss you all very much and there hasn’t been a day where I didn’t wish you were all here with me to help me get through this.

3. I love you.

I hope to see you all soon :)

- Sarah

Within a day she had received an email from all of her friends and that served as the first step to reviving her friendship with each of them. She continued to communicate with them though email but still kept her location a secret. After several months of emailing back and forth she finally decided to reveal her secret to her two best friends, Yeng and Rachelle Ann. Not long after the two girls decided to visit her even just for a week because it had been just too long and email was not doing the trick anymore.

Sitting in the living room of her apartment, the sun going down, the three girls shared a long overdue conversation.

“I’m happy for you. Nakikita kong masaya ka talaga...” Yeng says looking intently at her friend.

Rachelle nodded her head in agreement. “Hanga ako sa yo. I don’t think I would have the courage to do what you did, leaving it all behind...”

There is a moment of silence as the three just sit there facing each other and drinking their coffee.

Finally Yeng asks “Hindi mo ba nami-miss yung career mo? Yung buhay mo sa Pinas?”

“Minsan...” she whispers looking down at the mug she held in between her hands. Then looking back up she continues, “Pero naiisip ko na siguro ganun lang talaga tayo, hinahanap natin yung mga bagay na wala sa ‘tin. Tahimik ang buhay ko dito at yun naman talaga yung gusto ko noon pa man eh, alam nyo naman yun diba? Alam nyo naman na pagod na pagod na ako sa intriga. Hindi na akin yung buhay ko nung mga panahon na yun pakiramdam ko I was public property... I just wanted my life back and now I have it and I’m happy.”

Without pause Rachelle asks “Kahit wala na sya sa buhay mo?”

Sarah takes a deep breath before answering “Oo. Nalulungkot ako pag naiisip ko sya pero hindi ko nanaman sya naiisip eh. I make sure to keep myself distracted.” She says with a faint smile and then she quickly changes the topic.

After that they spoke of him no more. The three girls enjoyed the rest of their week visiting the places Sarah had discovered didn’t attract attention to herself. The three of them enjoyed a week of being just human, not celebrities, just three ordinary women. After their week together ended the three girls said their goodbyes and they promised to do this again sometime soon, when their schedules allowed.

Having her friends around made her suddenly feel nostalgic and left her a feeling of longing for certain things from her old life. She missed performing and one night as she was walking home she passed by a small coffeehouse that was holding an open mic night. Feeling nostalgic and a little daring she walked in and put her name down on the signup sheet. She sat down at the back corner of the coffeehouse and awaited her turn, just soaking up the music that was playing. Finally her name was called and she took a deep breath and then stood up. She took the stage and sat down behind the microphone and looked out at the crowd of strangers. She was use to performing for thousands of fans in venues much greater than this but there was something about this crowd of 20 something people that frightened and intimidated her. But the music starts to play and she closes her eyes, her uneasiness starting to disappear. The crowd fell silent as she sang and at the end of the song she was overwhelmed by the applause and appreciation she received from the crowd. She smiled, feeling the same way she use to feel before she made a career out of singing, before she started singing to please fans rather than herself.

She was offered a regular gig every Wednesday and Friday nights which she gladly accepted. She was warmly accepted by the crowd and according to the coffeehouse manager Wednesday & Friday nights turned out the largest crowds. She sang two sets on both nights and as she sang she opened her heart up to these strangers. She wondered why it was so easy to wear her heart on her sleeve in front of these strangers, why she had no fear when she put her heart out there. But she was glad to have this outlet, a place where she could sing all her hearts desires and pains. On a rainy Friday night she finished her set with the song Elsewhere by Sarah McLachlan.

She moved from the centre of the stage towards the piano that was at the edge of the stage and took a seat. “I have only recently learned this song on the piano and my piano skills are still very rough but I really wanted to share this song with you all so please bare with me.”

She runs her fingers over the keys getting a feel for it and then smiles. As she starts to play the door of the coffeehouse swung open and in walked in a ghost from her past – it was John Lloyd.

The lights were dim and the spotlight was just on her but he didn’t take notice of her just yet. This was not intentional; he didn’t even know she was in the same city. He happened to be passing by when the rain started to pour and he thought it would be best to wait for the rain to let out. Once he was inside the coffeehouse he walked straight to the counter looking to grab some coffee while he was there. But then she starts to sing and his attention quickly shifts to the person singing on stage.

[N.B. Elsewhere - Sarah McLachlan]

I love the time and in between
The calm inside me
In the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
Distance I have wandered
To touch upon the years of
Reaching out and reaching in
Holding out holding in

He is standing still among the crowd just staring at her. Everyone was silent, just listening to her soft voice accompanied by just the piano, including himself.

I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I'll defend it as long as I can be
Left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand

His heart was breaking with every word she sang and without taking notice tears were starting to pool in his eyes. She looked just perfect on that stage, and more importantly she looked happy.

I know this love is passing time
Passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire...
But I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...
I believe...

I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand

He couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He couldn’t help but be mesmerized by her. It didn’t matter what she had done in the past or what history they had she still had the power to take away his breath with her charm.

Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
The mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see I've got
To live my life the way I feel is right for me
Might not be right for you but it's right for me...
I believe...

I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand it

I would like to linger here in silence
If I choose to
Would you understand it
Would you try to understand...

He worked so hard to get over her and move on but all that hard work was being thrown out the window because at this very moment he was falling in love with her all over again.

As the song ended she opened her eyes and looked out at the crowd with a smile. There was something about performing at this small coffeehouse that was just so freeing. Before stepping off the stage she bowed and said her thank you’s.

She took a seat at the counter at her usual spot and the owner walked over to her with a coffee in hand, “Now what will I do when the big record labels discover you?”

Sarah chuckles as she accepts the coffee “You’ve got nothing to worry about I don’t do this to get discovered, trust me that isn’t the life I want...”

She finishes her coffee before saying goodnight to the owner and heading out into the rain. She opened up her umbrella and started to walk home. As she walked she listened to the sound of the rain in peace, enjoying the calm of the night. But her moment of serenity was disturbed when a voice called out from behind her.

“Hi...” she hears from behind.

She stopped in her tracks, her heart pounding. The voice was hardly audible but something inside her told her that it was him. She prayed it wasn’t him and she tried to convice herself that her ears were deceiving her. She knows that the only way to really know who was standing behind her was to turn around and see for herself, which she did.

And there he was, standing in the rain, just a few feet from her.

TBC