Where Do Broken Hearts Go XI

“Kung iniisip mo na hinahanap kita o na may nakapagsabi sa kin na nandito ka, nagkakamali ka. This was an innocent vacation, a break from my busy schedule.” He took a moment to gather his thoughts before he continued, “You broke my heart. Alam mo ba kung paano mo winasak yung puso ko? Yung mundo ko? Sarah, getting over you was the hardest thing I ever had to do and finding you was the last thing I’d want to do...”

She had her head bowed down, tears soaking her cheeks. She knew she had hurt him but hearing him tell her, hearing the pain and coldness in his voice made it hurt all the more. This was what she was expecting from him when she first saw him earlier that night and now she wished he had said this right then and there rather than acting kind towards her. She doesn’t understand why he acted so kindly earlier that evening if in the end he was going to be so vicious. Why did he have to give her hope that this wasn’t going to be as dreadfully awful as she imagined it would be, as it is turning out to be?

“So lumabas din yung totoo. If you’re not here for me then why call for my attention? So, nakita mo ako sa coffeehouse that didn’t mean you had to reacquaint yourself with me...I had already walked out without seeing you, kung hindi mo ako sinundan we wouldn’t be here now. So bakit mo nga ba ako hinabol?” she asks as she held back her tears and tried to sound just as cold and ruthless as he did.

“Kasi nabura lahat nang galit at sakit na naramdaman ko dati nung nakita kita. Dahil mahal pa rin kita sa kabila nang lahat nang nangyari I still love you.”

He waited patiently for her to say something but she remained silent. Just as he was about to get up and walk towards her he heard her shuffle through the hallway back into the room and slam the door shut. She didn’t need say anything because he got the picture; he understood where she stood in all of this and where he stood in her life.

Sarah sat up in bed all night long the words “I still love you” on repeat in her mind. She loved him and she knew that she just wasn’t ready to tell him yet. So, she did the one thing she had become good at - running away. Everything was just happening so quickly. One minute she was peacefully living her life and then next thing she knew the ghost of her past had come back to haunt her. Things were only starting to get better; she was only starting to get back to the place she needed to be in order to be true to her heart and to him. But now she felt like the last year had been a waste because she was right back where she started – lost, hurt, and broken.

In the morning when she woke up he was no longer there. In the living room atop the sofa was her blanket, perfectly folded, and on top of that lied a folded up piece of paper. She took the sheet of paper and sat down on the sofa to read it.

Sarah,

Sorry kung nagulo ko ulit yung buhay mo. I guess I was being selfish inisp ko lang yung sarli ko and how great I would feel if you returned my love. Hindi ko inisip kung ano ang magiging epekto nang pagbabalik ko sa buhay mo. I should have known better, umalis ka dati kasi ayaw mo na and I should’ve gotten the message then. Siguro there’s just a part of me that can’t let go. Again I’m sorry for any pain and trouble I may have caused. Thank you for letting me spend the night and for dinner.

- John Lloyd

She put the letter back down and just stared at the blanket that was lying on the sofa. She picked it up and hugged it in her arms. She wasn’t ready to welcome him back into her life but she also didn’t want him to think that she didn’t love him because she did and she was praying that their time would still come, someday. She suddenly felt so empty. So, she curled up on the sofa and wrapped the blanket around herself, not in the mood to go out or do anything. She may have done it, she may have ruined any slim chance there was of them still having a future together and now she was questioning whether she had made the right choices and if anything she had was worth losing him forever.

Even if she wanted to run after him and tell him she loved him it was too late because she had no way of contacting him. And by the sound of his letter he had no plans of ever coming to see her again. So, she had no choice but to live with her decision and to go on living.

****

She finished her final set on Wednesday night and she was standing at the counter waiting for her coffee that she was taking to go.

“Hi...” she heard so familiarly from behind her.

She turned around and saw him standing behind her a shy smile on his face. She turned for a second to grab her coffee and then says “Hi...” back, surprised that he had come back.

“Can we talk?” he asked.

Unsure of what else there was to talk about she bit her lower lip and reluctantly nodded her head. He started walking towards a booth near the back of the coffeehouse but she taps his shoulder and tilts her head towards the door. He shrugs his shoulders and follows her out the door.

“Saan tayo?” he asks as quickens his pace to keep up with her.

She looks to her left to where he is standing and answers “Wala, it’s such a beautiful night I was just in the mood for a walk. Okay lang? We can talk and walk at the same time naman diba?”

He looks up at the star filled sky and breathes in the crisp cool air and replies “It is a beautiful night...”

She smiles as she takes a sip of her coffee. They walked for a bit in silence but when it got just a tad to awkward Sarah asked “So... may sasabihin ka?”

“Huh?” he asked looking at her questioningly.

“Diba you wanted to talk?”

“Ah, oo nga pala. I wanted to say sorry for leaving the way I did. Ano kasi naduwag ako. Ang lakas nang loob kung magpakita sa yo at sabihin sa yo na mahal pa rin kita pero nung hindi ka sumagot na takot ako sa pwedeng mangyari the next morning. So I saved myself from the agony of a dreadful morning at your expense and I’m sorry because you don’t deserve that.”

“Lloydie, you don’t have to say sorry ako dapat yung magsorry kasi lagi na lang kitang tinatakbohan...” she takes a seat on the staircase of the building they were standing in front of and took a deep breath in and out getting ready to tell him what her heart truly felt.

“Mahirap i-explain kung bakit lagi na lang kitang tinatalikuran and sa totoo lang hindi naman importante kung ano yung mga reasons ko for running away. If there is anything you need to know it’s that not once did I run away because I didn’t love you. Mahal kita, Lloydie, and to say otherwise would be to tell the greatest lie. My love for you has never wavered the problem has always been with myself. Alam ko cliché yung sabihin kong it’s not you, it’s me pero yun yung totoo. May mga bagay akong kailangan harapin, things I need to do on my own before I am ready to give my heart, unconditionally. I’m not asking you to wait because that would be selfish of me. It's just... I don’t want you to think I don’t love you or that all this time I’ve only been playing with your heart. My love for you is the truest thing in my life and I just needed you to know that, even if you don’t take that love when I’m ready to give it...”

He takes her hand into his, squeezing it tightly and placing it onto his cheek.

“I love you and if space is what you need then it is what I will give you. I don’t want to promise you anything I can’t keep for certain so I won’t promise to wait forever. I’ll be back here in 6 months for a concert sana pagbalik ko handa ka na.”

They smiled at each other no more words need be spoken. He walked her back to her apartment and said his goodbyes.

“I’ll see you in 6 months...” he said to her from the bottom of the staircase just outside her apartment building.

“See you...” she said with the sweetest smile as she waved good-bye.

He waved back at her and she turned around to open the door. Just as she was about to go inside he called after her again.

“Sarah.”

She turns around and looks at him questioningly

“I love you.” He said proudly.

She giggled softly and answered “Mahal din kita.”

With that he waved good-bye for the last time and waited outside her apartment till he saw the light in her apartment turn on.

TBC